My Heart Actually Hurts

It wasn't until this school shooting on Friday that I realized just how unsafe our country has become.  Yes, there have been other shootings and yes they have even been in schools.  But this one in a Kindergarten through fourth grade school has shaken me to my core.  The children killed were Cinderella's age and a year or two older than Sleeping Beauty.

I grew up in a Navy family.  I was always aware that there were bad people in the world, people who would want Americans dead if they were given the chance. But I always felt safe.   When I was about Cinderella's age we lived in Italy.  I went to school on base AN HOUR AWAY from my house.  I was in first and second grade during this time. There were guards with guns that rode on the bus with us.  I am thankful that I was unaware of that until I was older.  Once at school, it wasn't uncommon to have bomb threats and have to hide.  Libya was all sorts of crazy then and I remember vividly being crouched down and praying.  AT SCHOOL.    On a Navy Base.  No one can ever tell you that you cannot pray.  You can do so in your head and only you and God will know.

Deuteronomy 31:6
New King James Version (NKJV)
"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”

One thing I have ALWAYS taken with me and that I will instill in my girls is that GOD IS ALWAYS THERE and you can always talk to Him.  The WORST thing they can do is kill you and if that happens, and you are a child who is innocent,  you get to go to Heaven.  That is where everyone is trying to make it to anyway.  To not be sad about those left behind because God will take care of them too.

I am still anxious and do not like my oldest being at school today.  I have cried and prayed about her safety and the safety of other children in schools across our country and even overseas.  I would not be OK at all if something were to happen to either of my girls but I will not stop living my life because of fear.  Then evil has won and evil doesn't win.  I've read the end of The Book.  :)

It's All Fun and Games...

Until someone ends up in a "lamp shade."

But don't worry - he can still drive!  ;)

My mom and dad's dog, Gizmo, got a corneal abrasion (eye scratch) and then an ulcer on top of that so he has to wear a "comfort cone."  My mom thought it was looking worse and the vet said they may have to remove his eye if it doesn't get better.  So he went back to the vet this morning and we were worried.  While he was there I overheard Sleeping Beauty pray:

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for this day.  Please help Gizmo's eye to get better so he doesn't have to be a pirate.  ARGHHH!

In Jesus' name,
Amen.

I love that little sprite!  The prayer worked because the vet said it was looking better!  Also, please don't mention you saw a picture of  Gizmo in the lamp shade to him.  He's very embarrassed by it.

****


The girls were looking at their necklaces this afternoon and Cinderella said, "I didn't know Santa shopped at Forever 21."  (If you know how she talks when she's trying to figure things out this will be even more funny to you.  :)  )

Awkwaaaard...

Sailing Away...

The tropical storm has flooded our entire street and some homes.  This afternoon Tim had to sail the girls down the street so my mom could take them as we dealt with stuff around here.  Our kitchen flooded yesterday and our garage today.  All is OK for now and we are bracing for more rain.   We cannot drive out and have been trapped.  Please pray for this to pass quickly.

Prayers

Some blogs I read do a prayer request on their blogs sometimes.  I wanted anyone to know that if they have a prayer request, for themselves or others, please leave them in the comment section.  I promise you will I say a prayer for you.  So, if you have one, feel free to share.  Detailed or not, God knows.

Prayer

When someone is dealing with infertility, depression, heartbreak and many other issues people pray.  People are told to pray by other people and by God in the Bible.  We never know what the outcome will be or even if we will get the answer we want.   The answer can be yes, no or not now.  Whatever the answer, it is always in our best interest and sometimes that reason is unknown to us for the rest of our lives.  Sometimes it makes no sense and it seems as if our prayers are going unheard.  I know that they are not.  Sometimes we do find out later why the prayer was answered the way it was.  It makes me think about having my two girls.  I went through a lot before I even tried to start having them and then during my pregnancies and after having had them.  Just when I thought things would get easier I had another obstacle to overcome.   I think it all might have been easier if I could have had a glimpse into what my future would hold:

My two girls and my nephew - he is an answer to a whole other set of prayers

Summer 2011

The moral of this story is to pray and pray big, for you never know what He has in store for you.  I can guarantee in most cases it will be even better than your wildest dreams.  At least, it was for me and my family.  :)

For Ladies Only

As females, we go through so very much.  A couple of those things are PMS and cramps.  And if you say you do not get cramps I may just cut you.


PMS is a nightmare.  No matter how beautiful we are, we feel fat, ugly, bloated and depressed.  And sometimes homicidal, but I digress.  It's no fun and just around the corner the real fun begins.  


More bloating.


Cramping.


Headaches or even worse, migraines.


Nothing fits.


We want to eat everything in sight.


Cranky and irritable.


All we want is chocolate or potato chips.  Sometimes, we want both.  


Heaven help the man who has to live with us.


And we want to cut everyone we see.


And then there is the obvious, which bears no mentioning.  As if it couldn't get worse from here and yet it does...


But we deal.  We have no choice in the matter really and the reward, one day, we are told will be GRAND.  Wonderful.  Beautiful.  We have the chance to make miracles!  We have the ability to have a baby when the time is right.


Only sometimes that time doesn't come when we want it to. 


Sometimes it is delayed.  And for some, that time never comes.  Ever.


It is so awful that we are raised to believe (by society) we can reproduce when we want to and have the results we want when we want them but the truth is, it doesn't work that way.  At all.


Being infertile is almost taboo.  No one talks about it.  And it is getting better.  More people are coming forward and sharing their struggles every day.  When I was going through it, it took me talking about it and sharing about it to get others to tell me they went through it too.  And it is more common than we are led to believe...


What are your thoughts on this?  Did you believe when the time was right you could have a baby when you wanted?  How did your journey to getting pregnant go?  ANYONE can reply, you don't have to have struggled for your children.


We know how mine went.  It took a while and I had to fight to keep my own body parts in my twenties.  I endured heartbreak, depression, loss, pain and anger to just name a few.  Every woman's journey to motherhood is different.  But I now have two beautiful girls and I want to help other women not give up hope.  It is so easy to feel helpless, like everyone else is pregnant and like nothing will ever go your way.


I never could have realized when I was trying to get pregnant with Cinderella that I wasn't ready to be a mom yet.  In hindsight I can see that now.  (I am not speaking for everyone this is just my story.)  When the time truly was right I did get pregnant but it was in God's time, not mine.


They were worth the wait.

Now my life is full of love and laughter.  ANd cRaZiNeSs.  I mean, where else can you see a six year old in an infant bouncy seat?  Later the three year old Sleeping Beauty had her turn.  We had this out for my nephew when he came to dinner and the girls were alllll over it!


Never, ever, ever give up hope.  Sometimes it is all we really have.  If I can help you in any way please email me - my email address is in my profile.  I am praying for those of you who are struggling and especially for the women who have reached out to me recently.  I know how it feels and I will never forget it.


James 1:17 "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning."


1 Samuel 1:27 "For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition which I asked of Him."

Flashbacks

 I miss when they were this little.  Cinderella is above and below she is meeting her baby sister Sleeping Beauty.

Answered prayers.

Happy hearts.

Roid Rage

*I have to laugh so I won't cry and I have done plenty of crying anyway.*


How to know you have a child on steroids:

Roid Rage = Freaking out when not fed constantly.  Freaking out when they don't get their way.  Pretty much just freaking out about everything. 

She eats four breakfasts within the span of an hour.

A child that would be fine to eat breakfast after taking her big sister to school now has to eat the MOMENT her eyes pop open.

And then eats again when home from taking her sister to school.

As soon as I clean up from one meal she is asking for a snack.  When the answer is no, it gets ugly.  Then begins the constant pestering for the next meal.


Then the next fit begins because I am not willing to serve lunch promptly at 8:30 AM.


She is then eating almost non stop until lunch.  When not eating she is whiny and begging to eat.


Lunch is at 11AM and then (PLEEEEASE) a nap.


Wakes and demands food.


She gets very upset and angry when I won't feed her dinner at 4PM.


You take her to store and she asks, "Can we buy all the food here?"


"I WANT TO EAT!!"  (Oh wait, she was saying that before the medicines.)


Praise the good Lord she is off one of those steroids as of tomorrow morning.  :)  Please keep praying for Sleeping Beauty, us and our grocery bill.

...

Still here...


Appointment went well with the Pediatric Pulmonologist. 


We have an asthma treatment plan as well as new medicines both for preventative measures and for when she is sick and has a flare up.  It's expensive and takes a lot of my time getting things ready and cleaned, dried, set up.   Not to mention keeping the equipment away from the little hands that could lose them!  ;)


I am trying to get used to all this and learning more about asthma.  I am still pretty clueless but am doing what I can to help my baby girl.


Prayers would be great.  I am pretty wound up between all this and my nephew's arrival within the next three weeks or so.  We would like (NEED) him to come before his due date.  His Mommy is ready and he's a growing boy!  :)  This is her first baby and it took a lot of prayers to get him here.  Pray God keeps them both safe.

Sleeping Beauty Update - Asthma

Tomorrow we are taking Sleeping Beauty to a Pediatric Pulmonologist for her asthma.   Please pray that they can help us help her.  She is on several medicines at this point and still has symptoms.  I am frustrated and I feel helpless. We can't seem to get her well and keep her well. Thank you.

BaBy ShOwEr

My sister had her baby shower today and we had a great turn out.  Here are the hostesses, Amy in the middle, and a couple of kids who insisted on being in the picture.

So, this is for my sister who is 36 weeks along with her first, a boy.


"Song for a 5th 1st Child" by Ruth Hamilton 

Babies Don't Keep

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo)

"I was worth the wait."

"Mommy's mane man" (It has a lion on the front.)

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

 

 She got some much needed help. ;)

 On the way home from the shower Cinderella said, "I know Amy will love her baby so much because she wanted him so bad.  When she didn't have a baby in her tummy I prayed and prayed God would give her one because she wanted one a lot.  I am so glad it worked."  From the mouths of babes...

Infertility and My Babies

**I am putting this out here to help someone who may be in the shoes I once had to wear.  What shoes?!  The shoes of an infertile, heartbroken woman.  Though I am no longer in those shoes; no longer heartbroken with empty arms, I don't want to forget how it felt back then.  Everything felt hopeless. It truly makes me appreciate what who I have been given. I want to help someone else who may be wearing those shoes.  I want the women who feel they have no hope to have hope.  Some of it is embarrassing for me to share but I am tired of people being quiet about infertility.  I am speaking out.  Please keep in mind this is an abbreviated version even though it is still long.  And most importantly, never give up hope.  It happened for me.  I pray it can happen for you too.**

With the holidays upon us, I feel it necessary to share some of the things for which I am thankful. I had planned to add something that I was thankful for at the end of each blog post and that hasn't happened. Having a good memory is not something I can be thankful for because that is not one of my gifts. :) I wanted to talk a little bit about a long and lonely journey I lived through: Infertility.

You will notice from the pictures in the sidebar, I have not one, but TWO gorgeous girls. :o) One is five and a half and one just turned three.  Hang on, it was a bumpy ride and some of it is painful for me to share.

Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty

I must share a little more on them. Or rather, what it took to GET them here. When I was younger, maybe 14 years old I KNEW something was wrong with my "woman parts." Doctors agreed, I was put on birth control pills to help with the symptoms and I sent on my merry way to get some ibuprofen. I would miss a few days every month of school because I was too sick to move.  Women on my dad's side of the family notoriously have to have a hysterectomy young.  We just don't seem to be able to keep all our parts.  ;o)


I would later find out that I would have to fight to keep my own parts in my own body.  I had to tell doctors that they were wrong, that I would live with it, somehow, just so I could be a mommy.  I cried and fought and I begged and I pleaded.  With the doctors, sometimes my family, and with my own body.


Years and years of suffering later I found out I had endometriosis. This disease put me through about four surgeries in my early twenties. Why? I was in chronic pain, not just monthly anymore and left untreated, endometriosis can leave a woman barren. Sometimes I couldn't even get out of the bed. Sometimes the laparoscopic surgeries and the removing or burning of the endometriosis helped. Sometimes it did not. If it did, the relief was short lived. I wasn't going through these surgeries and procedures just for temporary relief. I was putting myself, my family and my future husband through this for the chance to maybe have ONE baby one day. I still have the pictures, (though I have NO idea where they are) and I probably sound crazy to some of you, but after the fourth surgery something amazing or miraculous happened. All signs and traces of the disease were gone. A disease that has NO CURE. Even a scar I had across my uterus (no one knew how or why it was there to begin with) was gone. No one knew how to explain why it was gone. My dad knew. He told that doctor it was God. And it was. :) The doctor had to agree. Those painful problems, for the most part, were in the past.

I got engaged and five months later we got married.

I thought I would get married, get pregnant a couple months later as is the tradition in our family if you marry in November, but no.

A few months went by.

A few more months went by.

Then a year went by.

We had a faint positive pregnancy test at some point in there but we didn't even get to celebrate it as it was over as quickly as it began. It was painful and scary and many people still don't know about it but I felt we didn't need to upset anyone more than we needed to.

And it didn't happen again. No more faint positive lines.

By this time we had seen a Reproductive Endocrinologist (who had done my previous surgeries) and he began working with us so we could have a baby.

We did everything the doctor said to do. Private things became public and we felt like all the love that was supposed to create our baby was taken away. So much is taken away when you are diagnosed with infertility. I felt like a science experiment and my poor husband comforted me every month when the answer was "No." I cannot stress to you how heartbreaking infertility is. It makes you question everything.

You get poked and you get prodded. You get shots and medicines that make you feel like you are the hardest person to live with and you feel fat and just plain crazy.

The last time we tried IUI (I put this in abbreviated form so those not wanting to read anything too graphic can skip it) was a no go. I had two eggs, stimulated by the drug Clomid. This drug alone made me feel pregnant. I was moody and cranky and felt like a crazier person that I normally do. The doctor told us that the eggs were not big enough and we would not do the IUI this time.

At this point I gave up trying to make it happen. IVF was the only hope in my getting pregnant. I told the doctor that we would do IVF but I would need to work a couple of years to get the money to do it. Our insurance did not (and may still not) cover such things.

I was OK. I lived through what I didn't think was possible. I prayed and now that I look back, I didn't give up.

I gave it to God.

A few weeks later I felt different. The mere mention of one of my favorite foods made me feel like I'd hurl a million times. I thought, "Could it be?! Are you serious?!" It was time to go buy a home pregnancy test. I could not wait any longer! It was Father's Day 2004 and I found out I was pregnant. The line was faint like before, but not as faint. And I felt different this time as well. The sickness was heightened. I was pretty sure there was more than one baby in there. We have twins in our family and there is a higher occurrence of multiples on the fertility medicines I was taking.

We would find out later that I was indeed pregnant with twins. We lost one at nine weeks. Once again, my world came tumbling down. It didn't seem to affect anyone else the way it did me. I didn't want to seem ungrateful to God because I was getting ONE baby and that's all I had ever hoped and prayed for but part of me hurt and longed for that other baby. And to be even crazier, I am sure it was a boy. I put on a happy face because I was pregnant and yes, I was happy. But I was sad too. I kept the hurt inside though and moved on.

I guess having twins was not meant to be and God knows what He is doing because if I had had the twins I probably would not have my Sleeping Beauty and I cannot and will not imagine my life without her.

Prayers Please

Please pray for a friend of ours who will be having her third baby in the next day or so.  Pray she and her little girl come through healthy.

Please also pray for B and K (my friends I posted about a couple of weeks ago.)  They are going through what may even be a harder time than when they lost their daughter.  I am trying to be there for them and I am praying all the time.  This is when they need their friends and family more than ever.

Thank you!  I am thankful for friends who will pray when I ask them to.

Friends, Loss, Life and God

Let me tell you about some nice people.  I met B and K and was friends with them separately in college, waaaay back in the late '90's and before they were dating.   K and I became closer after we became mothers, me in 2005 and her in 2006. We both had girls and then  I had another one in 2007.  We loved to talk about our "divas,"  toddler meltdowns and the every day stresses of being a mom.  Some days we didn't know if we'd make it until our respective husbands got home.  We provided funny stories, antics and support to one another.  She called her daughter a "Fireball" and Sleeping Beauty was certainly a pistol.  I still have my two with me, but B and K do not.  They are part of the club that no one signs up to be in: Parents without children on earth with them.  

They are still parents.  The way they are with my girls attests to that.  They are parents without their child.

If you are not reading K's blog Anchors of Life, you are missing out.  Sure, some of it is hard to read  sometimes but that is because she spills her emotions out all over the page.  She writes with her whole heart and soul.   Knowing what is on her heart and in her thoughts will make you strive to be a better person.

Below is a picture of my family with B and K taken on October 16, 2010.  They were within a couple of hours away from us on a trip so we drove to meet them and spent a Saturday afternoon with them and some of their friends.  Now they are friends of my husband and girls.  My girls adore B and K and Sleeping Beauty likes to talk on the phone with K.

And she is just as gorgeous on the inside as she is on the outside:

Can I let you in on a little secret?  K is changing lives.  God is using her to change my heart.   God is working in B and K, we just cannot see the big picture.  Yet.  She is a wonderful example of a Godly woman.  If she does what I have kinda begged, er, asked her to do, she will write an amazing book.  You heard it here first.  ;o)  God truly dwells within these two people.

Let me tell you a little bit more about B and K and their "Sweet Fireball".  This is going to be hard to write.  Er, I mean type.



Less than a month away from turning three, last Thanksgiving weekend, "Sweet Fireball" was killed in a car accident.  They were on their way home from a wonderful holiday with family.  The accident left those that know and love them heartbroken and crying out to God, and "Sweet Fireball's" mom and dad were left devastated and heartbroken and with empty, aching arms.


When I first heard about the accident, I felt my heart sink.  Surely, she could not be gone.  Not "Sweet Fireball!"  Maybe it was a mistake and someone misunderstood!  Maybe the details have been skewed.  It can't be true.


I reached out to  them immediately.  I didn't want to call (What would I say?!  Their baby died and I still had my two!!  In some ways I still feel guilty for having my two children when they don't have their one child), so I'd text (They could ignore it if they needed to) and email (They'd see it and know I cared and was praying).  I was in touch with B and then once K was a bit more lucid (she was very badly injured, the repercussions of which she will deal with for the rest of her life.)  But it was true.  She was gone.  



A daddy without his princess.  A mommy without her sidekick. 



I still struggle with this.  I know they do too.  After "Sweet Fireball" died, I couldn't sleep.  I'd lie awake in bed and cry.  My heart literally hurt for them.  I knew how much she meant to them, to her family and friends.  I'd think of B and K all the time.  I still do.  I pray for them every time I think of them and that accident.  Now I pray whenever I see crosses or wreaths or flowers by the roadside because I have been touched by such a loss.  As B once told me, "They have a whole different meaning to me now."



Where does God fit in to all of this?  Surely God would never allow such a thing to happen.  But it did happen.  Things like this happen every day.  And not because God made it happen.  He didn't necessarily want it to happen.  He didn't want Adam and Eve to disobey Him, did He?  But it happened.  He knew the accident would happen, that their sweet baby would leave this earth, since the beginning of time.  But remember, God never needed bad to do His good. Bad things happen in this world because of sin. That's just the way it is.  Because God gave us free will.  She didn't die because of anything B and K did or didn't do.  This couldn't have happened to nicer people.  They didn't deserve this.  Adam and Eve sinned and thus the Plan of Salvation was set in to motion. 


Then this verse comes to mind: "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."  - Romans 8:28 KJV


I know it is often easy to "talk the talk" but it is soooo very difficult to "walk the walk," especially when it comes to your life being turned upside down and inside out and being heartbroken.  But B and K and, from what I can tell, their extended families are talking the talk as well as walking the walk.  They are praising God in this storm during their lives.  I do not believe I could be that strong.  Wait, I know I wouldn't be.  Not without God.  Maybe they aren't either.  I am sure they would tell you that God is getting them through this time.  



Matthew 19:26 (KJV) says,"But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible."



We cannot pretend to know why this all happened.  We may never know while on this earth.  Hopefully, once in Heaven, we will understand why it did happen. Or we will see the good that came from it.



I asked K if I could do a post about her and she said I could.  We talked for an hour today. I started this post and then called her and finished it later.  I didn't ask B but I don't think he'd mind my telling you all that when his daughter died he said, "I guess God thought we could handle this."  WOW.  See what I mean when I say that these are Godly people?



At first, K didn't know about their daughter.  She was in ICU.  When she did hear B tell her, she said she felt like she knew she was gone but she needed B to tell her.  And then she said something that floored me to B.  "You've been dealing with this all by yourself?!"  Again, WOW.



I aspire to be more like them, more Christlike.  More like God.



So please, if you pray, pray for B and K and their families and friends.  And check out her blog.  It may make you cry but it WILL make you appreciate the people in your life.  I think of them when I am having a hard day and I know they'd give anything to be able to have even their worst day with "Sweet Fireball" again.  



Pray for them tomorrow as it is the 11 month anniversary of their daughter's passing.  And Thanksgiving - the last holiday they shared with her that ended tragically.  To them, I am sure it feels like they just lost her.  Losing a loved one can bring a sense of dread for the holidays and I don't want that for them, so the more prayers for them, the better. "Sweet Fireball" is taken care of.  She is in Heaven playing and laughing and dancing and waiting to see her Mommy and Daddy again.  To her, it will feel like the blink of an eye.  :)


And K, Isaiah 40:31.  :o)


*P.S. I didn't want to cause any pain to anyone so I had B and K read this before I published it on my blog.