Thankful...

What are you thankful for?

In random order, just a few of the things for which I am thankful:

God and Jesus
My husband and two girls
Mom and Dad
Sister and Brother
My grandparents - here or in the hereafter who loved me and are a huge part of my childhood memories.
My aunts and uncles
Cousins
Great family and great church family
Warm showers
Air conditioning and Heating
Indoor plumbing
Clean water
Cameras
Computers and the Internet
Migraine medicine
My doggy
My car (and Tim's car)
Food in the pantry and freezer
Doctors who help me manage my child's asthma
Cousin Eddie from "Christmas Vacation."  I love him.
DVR
Music
Fridge and Freezer
Stove, Oven and Crock Pot
My sense of humor - Sometimes I have to laugh so I won't cry
My ability to journal my thoughts and feelings so I can feel better
My adorable nephew
Great in laws
My house
My dirty kitchen floors - It means we have fun and worry about clean up later
My husband's job
Money in the bank
Insurance
My washer, dryer and dish washer
Hairdryer
John Frieda Frizz Ease (Seriously.)
My health (for the most part.)
A sister who loves my kids like her own and her husband who loves my sister and even my kids tremendously.
Friends that are there no matter what - you know who you are.
Angels in disguise and random acts of kindness
<3

Grateful

I get in a funk at times.  I feel too busy to do anything, let alone the things I WANT to do and the things I NEED to do...Well, I do them, but not always happily.  I thought that I'd do a few posts (not in a row) about some of the things/or people I am grateful for...


Edited to add: This post is apparently brought to you by Pollyanna and "The Glad Game" she always plays in it.  :)


God - I wouldn't be here without Him.  I can ask Him for anything and He always acts in my best interest even when I don't always see that or understand that.  If you don't know Him and are interested in learning more please leave me a comment or email me at timkelly@tds.net.  (Wow.  All that is missing there is, "Touch your monitor to be saved..."  ;)  )


Jesus - He died for my sins and He loves me and everyone reading this.


My mom and dad - I gave them a hard time when they were raising me and most of it wasn't intentional, though a lot  of it might have been.  I'd like to think it all paid off for them but I don't know...I love them and the love and support they give to me, Tim and the girls.  I know without a doubt I can count on them for ANYTHING.  And they can count on me too.


My husband - I waited a long time to marry the one person I wanted to marry.  There was never anyone else.  He gives me a hard time and teases me mercilessly but that goes both ways.  :)  He picks up where I leave off or slack and the girls think he hung the moon and painted the heavens.  I can be at my very worst and feel hopeless and he can make me laugh.  Every time.  We are truly best friends and like spending all the time that we can together. 


My girls - Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty are the most beautiful parts of myself and my husband.  They are sweet, loving and kind and while I know we won't always get along or even like each other we will always love one another and be there for each other.  If I had known what I was waiting for when fighting through infertility I may have gotten through it a little better.  But I got through it anyway so it isn't all that important I suppose. This is my way of saying all that and worse would have made having them worth it.


My siblings - I have a younger sister and a much younger brother.  I am lucky.  They are both such amazing people in their own right.  They both love fiercely and with their whole being.  I know they would both do anything I asked of them for me and my family.  I would do the same for them.  And my sister and I are very close and love to get together with our kids.  To most people it probably seems like we speak in code but we both know what the other is saying, sometimes with just a glance!  


My sense of humor - Some days I'd be crying if I didn't just laugh at myself and the situations I get myself into.  It helps me cope and make light of the hard times.


My husband's job - So many people have been out of work or are out of work currently.  


A nice air conditioned home - I don't know how people lived without it years ago.  I surely wouldn't have made it!


Food on the table at night - though not always edible, it is still keeping us alive when it's not making us sick. ;)  See?  Sense of humor.  :)


More in a later post...

Graduation and Time Flies

It didn't hit me until this evening.


I graduated from high school 15 years ago today.


I couldn't be more shocked.  Not because the time has gone by so quickly but because I know it will go by faster still.  This past school year, with Cinderella in Kindergarten all day, every day the school year just seemed to fly by.  I know that the older my two girls get, the school years will go by faster than the one before it.   I will be 48 in no time.  (That is in 15 more years.)  Not that there is anything wrong with getting older.  ;)  Though apparently, after seeing the below picture, my mom doesn't age!!

Dad, me and Mom

(Now I want to go to my old bedroom and scan in a picture of me with King of the Crazies on this same night.)  I think back to that Thursday evening 15 years ago, when I was 18 and it seemed I had my whole life before me.  I remember the lavender dress I wore under my blue gown and the silver high heels I borrowed from my mom.  I remember the way I felt walking from the fairgrounds back to the school to go out with the graduating class.  I was elated.  I was FINALLY FREE!  I felt fully grown up and like I could do whatever I wanted.  I sometimes miss that young, innocent girl.   I was excited but also filled with a little worry because of the unknown.  I also knew that in a matter of weeks my heart would be broken.


After the graduation ceremony I went out all night with the kids in my graduating class and had fun. The school had sponsored it and I don't remember much of what we did, just that I had fun.  I remember I forgot my shoes so I had to borrow a friend's NINE YEAR OLD SISTER'S shoes to wear for the night.  They were Keds and had "ABC's" all over them.  HAHA  I also remember we got on Greyhound type buses to ride to where we were going.  There was laser tag and video games, good food and a lot laughter.  


I had a fun summer and continued with my job serving ice cream - HAHA- but I was already wanting time to slow down.  This would be the first of many, many times I would beg the hands of time to slow their ticking.  When summer ended I knew I would be moving to the other side of the country and leaving my friends and my soul mate.


It was hard for my mind and heart to grasp how I would marry the guy I KNEW I was going to marry when I lived over 3,000 miles away from him.  I prayed a lot and wished on a lot of stars for good measure just in case some of my prayers weren't heard.  And, of course, we both JUST KNEW we'd end up together one day.


We all know how that story ended but it was a hard road for the both of us.  I would cry myself to sleep at night and wish I would wake up older.  Funny how that works: I wanted time to speed up. In some ways it did seem to speed up.  I kept in touch off and on with my soul mate but more as a  "friend thing."  I had fun, went to school and made new friends.  About three years went by and one day I woke up not knowing it was the day my life would change forever and for the better.   I got a call from The King of the Crazies and life was never the same again.  He was coming to visit me and during that visit he said he would move here to be with me.  I never asked him to.  :)  I never promised him a future if he moved here and he knew that.  He took that leap anyway.  We've been together (again) ever since.  He moved here after seven months of dating long distance and we married about two years later.  


As I look back at the past 15 years, there are things I didn't do that I thought I would.  It wasn't all fun but a lot of it was.  I went through a lot even with The King of the Crazies by my side.  But I am happy and I have everything my 18 year old self could have dreamed for my 33 year old self.   How I wish I could go back a la "Back to the Future" and tell myself that it would all be fine, no matter how awful it seemed, it would all work out and I'd be happy. And by the way, you will marry the only one your heart ever wanted and you'll be a mommy to two gorgeous little girls.  :)

For Ladies Only

As females, we go through so very much.  A couple of those things are PMS and cramps.  And if you say you do not get cramps I may just cut you.


PMS is a nightmare.  No matter how beautiful we are, we feel fat, ugly, bloated and depressed.  And sometimes homicidal, but I digress.  It's no fun and just around the corner the real fun begins.  


More bloating.


Cramping.


Headaches or even worse, migraines.


Nothing fits.


We want to eat everything in sight.


Cranky and irritable.


All we want is chocolate or potato chips.  Sometimes, we want both.  


Heaven help the man who has to live with us.


And we want to cut everyone we see.


And then there is the obvious, which bears no mentioning.  As if it couldn't get worse from here and yet it does...


But we deal.  We have no choice in the matter really and the reward, one day, we are told will be GRAND.  Wonderful.  Beautiful.  We have the chance to make miracles!  We have the ability to have a baby when the time is right.


Only sometimes that time doesn't come when we want it to. 


Sometimes it is delayed.  And for some, that time never comes.  Ever.


It is so awful that we are raised to believe (by society) we can reproduce when we want to and have the results we want when we want them but the truth is, it doesn't work that way.  At all.


Being infertile is almost taboo.  No one talks about it.  And it is getting better.  More people are coming forward and sharing their struggles every day.  When I was going through it, it took me talking about it and sharing about it to get others to tell me they went through it too.  And it is more common than we are led to believe...


What are your thoughts on this?  Did you believe when the time was right you could have a baby when you wanted?  How did your journey to getting pregnant go?  ANYONE can reply, you don't have to have struggled for your children.


We know how mine went.  It took a while and I had to fight to keep my own body parts in my twenties.  I endured heartbreak, depression, loss, pain and anger to just name a few.  Every woman's journey to motherhood is different.  But I now have two beautiful girls and I want to help other women not give up hope.  It is so easy to feel helpless, like everyone else is pregnant and like nothing will ever go your way.


I never could have realized when I was trying to get pregnant with Cinderella that I wasn't ready to be a mom yet.  In hindsight I can see that now.  (I am not speaking for everyone this is just my story.)  When the time truly was right I did get pregnant but it was in God's time, not mine.


They were worth the wait.

Now my life is full of love and laughter.  ANd cRaZiNeSs.  I mean, where else can you see a six year old in an infant bouncy seat?  Later the three year old Sleeping Beauty had her turn.  We had this out for my nephew when he came to dinner and the girls were alllll over it!


Never, ever, ever give up hope.  Sometimes it is all we really have.  If I can help you in any way please email me - my email address is in my profile.  I am praying for those of you who are struggling and especially for the women who have reached out to me recently.  I know how it feels and I will never forget it.


James 1:17 "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning."


1 Samuel 1:27 "For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition which I asked of Him."

On Being a Big Sister and a Mom

"A sister is one of the nicest things that can happen to anyone." ~ Author Unknown 

Having my two girls has afforded me the opportunity to better understand my relationship with my own sister. I see a lot of myself in both girls but I also see some of my little sister in them. One of my girls may as well BE my sister or HER child, they are so similar. I am more sympathetic to the role of a younger sister now. I see the injustices that happen to the baby sister - waiting to get go to the Big Kid School, spend the night with friends and slumber parties, earn privileges and responsibilities, etc. The younger sister is told over and over again that they have to "get bigger first." Nothing appears to be fair to the younger one. Conversely, the baby gets away with more with mom and dad and they get to be The Baby with less responsibilities and expectations. Of course life is unfair and we all learn that early. It will only get more unfair the older we get. But there are injustices to being the older one too. Cinderella was forced to grow up faster than Sleeping Beauty. She was helping me with Baby Sleeping Beauty before she was even three years old. She had to become more independent in many ways because I always had a baby in my arms. And she did well but a part of my heart broke for her. She was no longer The Baby. The night before I had Sleeping Beauty (I just knew I'd have her the next day, and I did) we were finishing up dinner and sitting around talking. Cinderella had climbed up into her daddy's lap. 

Brand new Baby Me and my Mom

All was right with the world.


It was just The Three of Us. 

Little Me Circa 1979

Then I started crying.  I was 38 weeks and one day pregnant, tired and large.  Life was about to change BIG TIME.  I was a hot mess of hormones.  I suddenly (yes, just then) realized I'd have TWO GIRLS that depended on me for almost everything.  (I guess I should share at some point  how very hard this pregnancy was for me emotionally.  I cried A LOT at first.  I didn't think I could handle two kids but God knew better - thankfully.)  I am so glad I got through the dark times and can now enjoy my two girls.  But it is NOT easy and I do get tired, cranky and fed up.  I fall asleep praying I can parent one (you know who) the way she needs to be parented and that I have the strength and resolve to do so.   I may share more on the emotional aspects of my pregnancies and raising two girls at a  later date.  


My last birthday (2nd) as an only child  ;) with my dad:

I was ALL ABOUT Mickey and I do remember this cake.

Anyway, when I was asked what was wrong the night before I had Sleeping Beauty, I told The King of the Crazies, "Cinderella probably won't remember life before her sister."  It made me sad that she wouldn't be the center of our universe anymore and sadder still that she wouldn't remember the time when she was.  Now do NOT get me wrong.  She still is, but she shares the stage with her little sister.  Then right after I answered him I remembered all the fun I had growing up with a sister.  The tears were short lived and Cinderella happily grasped hold of her new, more grown up role of The Big Sister.  It took me a little longer, in all honesty, to get used to having two kids instead of one.  It wasn't until I was about three or four months out after having Sleeping Beauty that I felt even remotely capable of taking care of the both of them on my own.  Cinderella remembers bits and pieces of her life before Sleeping Beauty just as I remember bits and pieces of my life before my little sister came along.  But it wasn't necessarily a better life without our baby sisters - contrary to what I used to tell my sister  ;)  - before our sisters came into our lives and into our hearts...It was just different. And as I said, I remember very little of my life before being a Big Sister.  What I do recall comes to me in the form of flashback photos and often times it is random.  It is crazy how that is but I can remember some things in great detail.  After the addition of  a Baby Sister, for me and for Cinderella, there was more love, more hugs and more kisses to go around.  Best of all, they will ALWAYS have someone to play with just like I did and they share many of their friends even now.


"You keep your past by having sisters.  As you get older, they're the only ones who don't get bored if you talk about your memories."  ~Deborah Moggach


"We know one another's faults, virtues, catastrophes, mortifications, triumphs, rivalries, desires, and how long we can each hang by our hands to a bar.  We have been banded together under pack codes and tribal laws."  ~Rose Macaulay


I think this picture of me (right) with my mom and sister is HI-LARIOUS! 

Maybe still not sure about my new sister. 1980

"A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life."  ~Isadora James

Keeping my baby safe - early 80's

As sisters we share our childhood memories.  I saw this one going through my picture files and knew I had to post it for my sister:

"Sisters don't need words.  They have perfected a language of snarls and smiles and frowns and winks - expressions of shocked surprise and incredulity and disbelief.  Sniffs and snorts and gasps and sighs - that can undermine any tale you're telling."  ~Pam Brown


A sentence.  A glance.  A familiar smell or a facial expression between me and my sister can speak volumes.  It can speak years of history.  Some (most) of the best memories I have from my childhood have my sister right there with me.  I am hoping my girls have the same relationship with one another.


"You can kid the world.  But not your sister."  ~Charlotte Gray

Living it up in Italy 80's style!  (I am on the left.)

As is normal, growing up we did have squabbles.  Many of them were ugly.  Most of them involved clothes or makeup.  But we always moved past it fast and to this day I will forgive my sister faster than most anyone because I love her so much.  She (and her husband) are the people we (Tim and I)  entrust the kids with if something happened to both of us because she is the closest thing (or person) there is to me and it wouldn't be so hard on the kids to be without us if they had her.  With my girls, I do sometimes see "The Green Eyed Monster" (what my mom calls jealousy) but I try my best to keep jealousy and resentment at bay.  They are best friends.  They will know one another longer than they will know me and their daddy.  We are talking a lifetime here.  They are lucky to have each other. During fights that sentence almost seemed like a slap in the face to me and my sister.  Yet, it is true.  I tell my girls almost daily that they are "Lucky to have each other" and sometimes, for good measure, I throw in that you really don't get to live together for much of your life, I no longer live with my sister and I miss her, etc.   I sometimes get the response from Sleeping Beauty, "That's right.  Now, come here" while gesturing for her big sister to come and give her a hug.  :)


"Sister is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship."  ~Margaret Mead

This is an older picture but I always liked it.

I have loved having a sister, even when she didn't love having me.  :)  Even when we didn't like each other, we always loved each other.  And if you don't know what I mean by that then you probably don't have a sister.  ;)  


"If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child."  ~Linda Sunshine


Recently having a sister got even better.  Amy had probably figured this "perk" out about six years before me when she became on aunt. ;)  

Days old Baby Cinderella

And again about three and a half years ago...

Brand new Baby Sleeping Beauty

Three months ago she brought a little piece of herself into our world with her baby boy.  I loved him the second I knew he was on his way, even before I knew if he was a boy or girl.  I can't imagine living without him in my world and I can't remember how we ever did.  It seems he has always been a part of us just like my two girls and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Me and a week old prince

The bond of a sister is nearly unbreakable.  I can't imagine a time in my life without her there beside me and she obviously, being the younger sister, cannot imagine a time in her life without me.  I know I will always have her and she knows she will always have me.  And I hope the same is true for my two princesses.   

Somehow...

I have a feeling it will be.

"Bless you, my darling, and remember you are always in the heart - oh tucked so close there is no chance of escape - of your sister."  ~Katherine Mansfield

:o)

My Girls

Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty are outside (today is a school holiday) swinging in the beautiful Spring-like weather.  I am right inside the window, with it open, watching them and even more amusing, listening to them.


They, ages almost six and three, are planning for one of the happiest days of their lives.  They are planning their wedding days. 


While I know, Lord willing, I have many, many years left with them being here at home...my heart aches.


I also heard, "When I get old like Mommy..."  I blacked out after that, came to, and decided to write the following...


Wasn't this just a few weeks ago?!

Cinderella:

Believe me, I look good for what I just went through.


Our Heiress (says that on her nightie)

Swingin' it up!

Photo credit Jon

 "Mother Theresa"

Cinderella is so very special.  She was our first and we fought, prayed and cried to get her here.  Infertility is a horrible, nasty thing to experience and I will never shy away from sharing about our experiences with it.  Yes, it made us stronger, refined us and taught us patience (boy did it ever).  But it also devastated us and made us question everything.   There must have been a reason we suffered through so much.  Maybe so I could tell our story.  But then, God blessed us with her.  She is the single best thing that has ever happened to me.  Aside from her daddy and sister, of course.  Everyone that knows her loves her.  She is not catty or selfish and loves to play with her little sister.   I experienced motherhood first with her and we will always have that bond.  We lived through so many "firsts" together and she has taught me a lot.  I am still learning.  She is my mini-me.  She made me a mommy, King of the Crazies a daddy, my sister an aunt, my brother an uncle and taught my parents how to be "NanaPa."  She has made all our lives better for having her in it.  I can't believe she is almost six years old.


Or this?!  This was surely yesterday...

Sleeping Beauty: 

 This is still a favorite.

Photo Credit My Dad

Photo Credit My Dad 

See how big the outfit is?  It was Preemie size!
 (Next three by my Dad)

I still have this one up in my bedroom. 

Cinderella meets Sleeping Beauty!

This is another favorite - my sis, me and my mom (Nana)

By Dad

 The 3 Crazy Gals

I was only in labor for 17 hours with Sleeping Beauty but her actual birth was amazing and easy compared to her big sister.  I mean, I did deliver her.  I don't know what it is about Sleeping Beauty, maybe because she was such a gift from God after the struggle to get pregnant with her big sister, but when I gave birth to her and welcomed her into this world and looked at her, I knew her.  Funny how that is sometimes.  She is an old soul, wise beyond her short three years and very  intuitive.  Plus, I got to hold her straightway and not wait for over an hour because she was in distress like her big sister. With Cinderella, it was all traumatic and rough and yes, a longer labor than 17 hours.  Even the doctor said she had never been so stressed out!  :o/  Nevertheless, I loved her immediately and so happy to finally put her face with her name.  The minute I saw her I would have taken down anyone who got in my way or hurt my baby!  But it was worth all I went through for both my girls.  I would do it again to have them here.  :o)

Thank goodness they are only almost six and three.

True Love

It is often said that you will love your own child more than you can fathom.  It is true.  It is instant.  The only words I can think of to describe how I love my girls are unconditionally, completely and fiercely.  


It it endless. 


When pregnant with Cinderella I did everything right, ate everything right and listened to my doctors.  I ended up on bed rest for the last part of the pregnancy and had some complications during delivery.  It was THEN the momma bear instinct came out in me.  I would fight through and I would have her and I would have her safely.  Almost six years later, I feel like I just went through over a day of labor and three hours of pushing.  Yet, the pain is distant and right after having delivered her I said I would do it allll again in a heartbeat.  It took a lot to get us to that point.  We fought, we prayed and we cried our way to having that baby. Cinderella is my sweet, loving, creative girl.


Right before Cinderella turned two I got pregnant again.  No infertility problems like with Cinderella, she seemingly willed herself into existence.  Cinderella was the first person I told.  She was shouting "Baby!  Baby!" when I told her father.  I had more sickness and nausea with this pregnancy than the previous one.  Having a toddler to chase probably didn't help matters.  She came about two weeks early because of placental abruption.  This is life threatening for both mother and baby.  I would do it all over again a million times to have my sweet and spicy Sleeping Beauty.  The delivery itself was easy and, at the doctor's urging,  I reached down and brought her into this world myself.  Love at first sight all over again.  :)  Sleeping Beauty is a force to be reckoned with, does everything at 150% and has an infectious smile.  


A few days ago I learned this same fierce, complete, unconditional love to be true about my sister's baby as well.  I loved him from the moment I heard he was on his way - before we even knew he was a "he."  But seeing the picture my dad sent to me of my little sister holding her baby in the operating room - I lost my heart.


She and her husband finally had their baby boy.  I say finally because getting him here took a lot of wishing, hoping and praying.   Nine months later a big bundle of joy was upon us and we could not be more in love with him.  We have gladly handed over our hearts to him.  He is our little prince.  On my blog, this will be his nickname.  :o)  


Little Prince is adorable.  He has a lot of light brown hair, chubby cheeks and a chin dimple I could get lost in.  He loves being in his mommy's arms and eating.  That's about all we know about him thus far but that is enough.  I love him completely and would lie down in front of a train to save his life, no questions asked, just like I would for my own daughters.  (Dramatic?  Why yes, I am nothing if not dramatic.)  I, honestly, was not prepared for that feeling.  I assume my sister and her husband are shocked at how much love their hearts can now hold.  I know I was when I had Cinderella.  The heart is an amazing thing!  


Please go here and welcome my nephew!  Congratulations, Amy and Jon!  Thank you for giving us all a sweet, sweet boy to love for the rest of our lives.  You were both born to be parents, I have seen it in the way you are with my girls.  I love the three of you to the moon and back.  :o)

Me and my nephew

(I will post more pictures after they share theirs.) 

BaBy ShOwEr

My sister had her baby shower today and we had a great turn out.  Here are the hostesses, Amy in the middle, and a couple of kids who insisted on being in the picture.

So, this is for my sister who is 36 weeks along with her first, a boy.


"Song for a 5th 1st Child" by Ruth Hamilton 

Babies Don't Keep

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo)

"I was worth the wait."

"Mommy's mane man" (It has a lion on the front.)

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

 

 She got some much needed help. ;)

 On the way home from the shower Cinderella said, "I know Amy will love her baby so much because she wanted him so bad.  When she didn't have a baby in her tummy I prayed and prayed God would give her one because she wanted one a lot.  I am so glad it worked."  From the mouths of babes...