Prayer

When someone is dealing with infertility, depression, heartbreak and many other issues people pray.  People are told to pray by other people and by God in the Bible.  We never know what the outcome will be or even if we will get the answer we want.   The answer can be yes, no or not now.  Whatever the answer, it is always in our best interest and sometimes that reason is unknown to us for the rest of our lives.  Sometimes it makes no sense and it seems as if our prayers are going unheard.  I know that they are not.  Sometimes we do find out later why the prayer was answered the way it was.  It makes me think about having my two girls.  I went through a lot before I even tried to start having them and then during my pregnancies and after having had them.  Just when I thought things would get easier I had another obstacle to overcome.   I think it all might have been easier if I could have had a glimpse into what my future would hold:

My two girls and my nephew - he is an answer to a whole other set of prayers

Summer 2011

The moral of this story is to pray and pray big, for you never know what He has in store for you.  I can guarantee in most cases it will be even better than your wildest dreams.  At least, it was for me and my family.  :)

Grateful

I get in a funk at times.  I feel too busy to do anything, let alone the things I WANT to do and the things I NEED to do...Well, I do them, but not always happily.  I thought that I'd do a few posts (not in a row) about some of the things/or people I am grateful for...


Edited to add: This post is apparently brought to you by Pollyanna and "The Glad Game" she always plays in it.  :)


God - I wouldn't be here without Him.  I can ask Him for anything and He always acts in my best interest even when I don't always see that or understand that.  If you don't know Him and are interested in learning more please leave me a comment or email me at timkelly@tds.net.  (Wow.  All that is missing there is, "Touch your monitor to be saved..."  ;)  )


Jesus - He died for my sins and He loves me and everyone reading this.


My mom and dad - I gave them a hard time when they were raising me and most of it wasn't intentional, though a lot  of it might have been.  I'd like to think it all paid off for them but I don't know...I love them and the love and support they give to me, Tim and the girls.  I know without a doubt I can count on them for ANYTHING.  And they can count on me too.


My husband - I waited a long time to marry the one person I wanted to marry.  There was never anyone else.  He gives me a hard time and teases me mercilessly but that goes both ways.  :)  He picks up where I leave off or slack and the girls think he hung the moon and painted the heavens.  I can be at my very worst and feel hopeless and he can make me laugh.  Every time.  We are truly best friends and like spending all the time that we can together. 


My girls - Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty are the most beautiful parts of myself and my husband.  They are sweet, loving and kind and while I know we won't always get along or even like each other we will always love one another and be there for each other.  If I had known what I was waiting for when fighting through infertility I may have gotten through it a little better.  But I got through it anyway so it isn't all that important I suppose. This is my way of saying all that and worse would have made having them worth it.


My siblings - I have a younger sister and a much younger brother.  I am lucky.  They are both such amazing people in their own right.  They both love fiercely and with their whole being.  I know they would both do anything I asked of them for me and my family.  I would do the same for them.  And my sister and I are very close and love to get together with our kids.  To most people it probably seems like we speak in code but we both know what the other is saying, sometimes with just a glance!  


My sense of humor - Some days I'd be crying if I didn't just laugh at myself and the situations I get myself into.  It helps me cope and make light of the hard times.


My husband's job - So many people have been out of work or are out of work currently.  


A nice air conditioned home - I don't know how people lived without it years ago.  I surely wouldn't have made it!


Food on the table at night - though not always edible, it is still keeping us alive when it's not making us sick. ;)  See?  Sense of humor.  :)


More in a later post...

For Ladies Only

As females, we go through so very much.  A couple of those things are PMS and cramps.  And if you say you do not get cramps I may just cut you.


PMS is a nightmare.  No matter how beautiful we are, we feel fat, ugly, bloated and depressed.  And sometimes homicidal, but I digress.  It's no fun and just around the corner the real fun begins.  


More bloating.


Cramping.


Headaches or even worse, migraines.


Nothing fits.


We want to eat everything in sight.


Cranky and irritable.


All we want is chocolate or potato chips.  Sometimes, we want both.  


Heaven help the man who has to live with us.


And we want to cut everyone we see.


And then there is the obvious, which bears no mentioning.  As if it couldn't get worse from here and yet it does...


But we deal.  We have no choice in the matter really and the reward, one day, we are told will be GRAND.  Wonderful.  Beautiful.  We have the chance to make miracles!  We have the ability to have a baby when the time is right.


Only sometimes that time doesn't come when we want it to. 


Sometimes it is delayed.  And for some, that time never comes.  Ever.


It is so awful that we are raised to believe (by society) we can reproduce when we want to and have the results we want when we want them but the truth is, it doesn't work that way.  At all.


Being infertile is almost taboo.  No one talks about it.  And it is getting better.  More people are coming forward and sharing their struggles every day.  When I was going through it, it took me talking about it and sharing about it to get others to tell me they went through it too.  And it is more common than we are led to believe...


What are your thoughts on this?  Did you believe when the time was right you could have a baby when you wanted?  How did your journey to getting pregnant go?  ANYONE can reply, you don't have to have struggled for your children.


We know how mine went.  It took a while and I had to fight to keep my own body parts in my twenties.  I endured heartbreak, depression, loss, pain and anger to just name a few.  Every woman's journey to motherhood is different.  But I now have two beautiful girls and I want to help other women not give up hope.  It is so easy to feel helpless, like everyone else is pregnant and like nothing will ever go your way.


I never could have realized when I was trying to get pregnant with Cinderella that I wasn't ready to be a mom yet.  In hindsight I can see that now.  (I am not speaking for everyone this is just my story.)  When the time truly was right I did get pregnant but it was in God's time, not mine.


They were worth the wait.

Now my life is full of love and laughter.  ANd cRaZiNeSs.  I mean, where else can you see a six year old in an infant bouncy seat?  Later the three year old Sleeping Beauty had her turn.  We had this out for my nephew when he came to dinner and the girls were alllll over it!


Never, ever, ever give up hope.  Sometimes it is all we really have.  If I can help you in any way please email me - my email address is in my profile.  I am praying for those of you who are struggling and especially for the women who have reached out to me recently.  I know how it feels and I will never forget it.


James 1:17 "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning."


1 Samuel 1:27 "For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition which I asked of Him."

My Girls

Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty are outside (today is a school holiday) swinging in the beautiful Spring-like weather.  I am right inside the window, with it open, watching them and even more amusing, listening to them.


They, ages almost six and three, are planning for one of the happiest days of their lives.  They are planning their wedding days. 


While I know, Lord willing, I have many, many years left with them being here at home...my heart aches.


I also heard, "When I get old like Mommy..."  I blacked out after that, came to, and decided to write the following...


Wasn't this just a few weeks ago?!

Cinderella:

Believe me, I look good for what I just went through.


Our Heiress (says that on her nightie)

Swingin' it up!

Photo credit Jon

 "Mother Theresa"

Cinderella is so very special.  She was our first and we fought, prayed and cried to get her here.  Infertility is a horrible, nasty thing to experience and I will never shy away from sharing about our experiences with it.  Yes, it made us stronger, refined us and taught us patience (boy did it ever).  But it also devastated us and made us question everything.   There must have been a reason we suffered through so much.  Maybe so I could tell our story.  But then, God blessed us with her.  She is the single best thing that has ever happened to me.  Aside from her daddy and sister, of course.  Everyone that knows her loves her.  She is not catty or selfish and loves to play with her little sister.   I experienced motherhood first with her and we will always have that bond.  We lived through so many "firsts" together and she has taught me a lot.  I am still learning.  She is my mini-me.  She made me a mommy, King of the Crazies a daddy, my sister an aunt, my brother an uncle and taught my parents how to be "NanaPa."  She has made all our lives better for having her in it.  I can't believe she is almost six years old.


Or this?!  This was surely yesterday...

Sleeping Beauty: 

 This is still a favorite.

Photo Credit My Dad

Photo Credit My Dad 

See how big the outfit is?  It was Preemie size!
 (Next three by my Dad)

I still have this one up in my bedroom. 

Cinderella meets Sleeping Beauty!

This is another favorite - my sis, me and my mom (Nana)

By Dad

 The 3 Crazy Gals

I was only in labor for 17 hours with Sleeping Beauty but her actual birth was amazing and easy compared to her big sister.  I mean, I did deliver her.  I don't know what it is about Sleeping Beauty, maybe because she was such a gift from God after the struggle to get pregnant with her big sister, but when I gave birth to her and welcomed her into this world and looked at her, I knew her.  Funny how that is sometimes.  She is an old soul, wise beyond her short three years and very  intuitive.  Plus, I got to hold her straightway and not wait for over an hour because she was in distress like her big sister. With Cinderella, it was all traumatic and rough and yes, a longer labor than 17 hours.  Even the doctor said she had never been so stressed out!  :o/  Nevertheless, I loved her immediately and so happy to finally put her face with her name.  The minute I saw her I would have taken down anyone who got in my way or hurt my baby!  But it was worth all I went through for both my girls.  I would do it again to have them here.  :o)

Thank goodness they are only almost six and three.

True Love

It is often said that you will love your own child more than you can fathom.  It is true.  It is instant.  The only words I can think of to describe how I love my girls are unconditionally, completely and fiercely.  


It it endless. 


When pregnant with Cinderella I did everything right, ate everything right and listened to my doctors.  I ended up on bed rest for the last part of the pregnancy and had some complications during delivery.  It was THEN the momma bear instinct came out in me.  I would fight through and I would have her and I would have her safely.  Almost six years later, I feel like I just went through over a day of labor and three hours of pushing.  Yet, the pain is distant and right after having delivered her I said I would do it allll again in a heartbeat.  It took a lot to get us to that point.  We fought, we prayed and we cried our way to having that baby. Cinderella is my sweet, loving, creative girl.


Right before Cinderella turned two I got pregnant again.  No infertility problems like with Cinderella, she seemingly willed herself into existence.  Cinderella was the first person I told.  She was shouting "Baby!  Baby!" when I told her father.  I had more sickness and nausea with this pregnancy than the previous one.  Having a toddler to chase probably didn't help matters.  She came about two weeks early because of placental abruption.  This is life threatening for both mother and baby.  I would do it all over again a million times to have my sweet and spicy Sleeping Beauty.  The delivery itself was easy and, at the doctor's urging,  I reached down and brought her into this world myself.  Love at first sight all over again.  :)  Sleeping Beauty is a force to be reckoned with, does everything at 150% and has an infectious smile.  


A few days ago I learned this same fierce, complete, unconditional love to be true about my sister's baby as well.  I loved him from the moment I heard he was on his way - before we even knew he was a "he."  But seeing the picture my dad sent to me of my little sister holding her baby in the operating room - I lost my heart.


She and her husband finally had their baby boy.  I say finally because getting him here took a lot of wishing, hoping and praying.   Nine months later a big bundle of joy was upon us and we could not be more in love with him.  We have gladly handed over our hearts to him.  He is our little prince.  On my blog, this will be his nickname.  :o)  


Little Prince is adorable.  He has a lot of light brown hair, chubby cheeks and a chin dimple I could get lost in.  He loves being in his mommy's arms and eating.  That's about all we know about him thus far but that is enough.  I love him completely and would lie down in front of a train to save his life, no questions asked, just like I would for my own daughters.  (Dramatic?  Why yes, I am nothing if not dramatic.)  I, honestly, was not prepared for that feeling.  I assume my sister and her husband are shocked at how much love their hearts can now hold.  I know I was when I had Cinderella.  The heart is an amazing thing!  


Please go here and welcome my nephew!  Congratulations, Amy and Jon!  Thank you for giving us all a sweet, sweet boy to love for the rest of our lives.  You were both born to be parents, I have seen it in the way you are with my girls.  I love the three of you to the moon and back.  :o)

Me and my nephew

(I will post more pictures after they share theirs.) 

Thankful for the drama, the messes and the squabbles in my life

It is amazing how quickly I have forgotten what it is like to have two little divas in the house all day for several days in a row.  It's only been three months since school started.  Since Cinderella is on Thanksgiving break from Kindergarten (AKA  Big Kid School) and I am a stay at home mom, I have been with the girls a lot.  And THAT is an understatement.  They love one another but let's face it; they are sisters and the fights are inevitable.  The good thing is that, as sisters tend to do, they can be having a squabble and be fine a few moments later.  I, in all honesty, find myself popping more Excedrin Migraine and hanging on for the ride.  I have to remind myself sometimes that this is what I prayed to God for - my girls, their messes and all the drama they come with. 


During the recent days here at home, I have heard my daughters say, "I love you" to each other countless times, but I have heard some "I'm mad at you's" from the one to the other.  And it is usually the pint-size Sleeping Beauty turning her Hulk-size rage on her big sister.  They have gotten along famously for the most part though and are inseparable.  I am so thankful for those times, even when they are few and far between.  More often than not the little sister so is happy to have her big sister home.  I am happy in that they have one another to play with and entertain one another.  I am not so thrilled with the constant keep-up-with-the-house-before-it-all-goes-to-pot feeling.  I feel we are one step away from living in a pit some days.  We are working really hard at keeping this house not only livable but clean.  And it is a haaaard job with the two girls and a dog around.


During the days of Thanksgiving Break 2010, there is a lot going on.  As soon as one activity is started for one, the other one bores of it quickly and makes way to making a new, possibly bigger mess, er activity.  I have to remind them countless times to clean up one mess before beginning another.  Cinderella does well with this but only really when she is reminded, so to me it feels like it is battle that is always being fought.  Sleeping Beauty, on the other hand, lives to create chaos, messes and destroy our home.  And she is good at all of those. I am wondering if I can rent her out to demolish old buildings or something similar to make some money to help pay for her food and clothing.  She eats like a teenage boy and dresses like she is ready for a fashion photo shoot and she has expensive taste.


Tutus are strewn about the room.  Poor Princess Furry Pants is covered in princess gowns with a semi-pleased look on her face.  But to the girls she looks downright hilarious and thus begins a new makeover/dress-up game.  Giggles fill the air as the three girls play and run circles around one another.  Princess Furry Pants tires first because, let's face it, she thinks she is a cat and needs exactly twenty-three good hours of sleep to function.  And by function I mean that she has to be able to make it to the backyard to do her "doggy business," make it to her food and water bowls and police the two girls at all times.  Times like these make me realize how truly blessed I am.


During the course of the day countless activities take place.  Several what feels like countless outfits are worn, some for dress up play and some out of necessity.  They are princesses, but they are messy princesses.  The laundry piles stay high now matter what I do and how hard I work.  It is a good day when the clean, unfolded pile is higher than the dirty clothes pile.  I really think the clothes multiply and I really could write a whole other post on my theories about laundry...


Arts and crafts must take place and that can mean anything from drawing to taping numerous things to a wall to actually drawing or cutting something for Cinderella.  Cinderella loves tape and would probably be happy to get tape for Christmas.  To Sleeping Beauty, arts and crafts means "seek and destroy" her sister's hard work.  It usually ends with one in tears and the other laughing. Can you guess which one is laughing?!


We have numerous baby dolls to be swaddled, fed, burped, patted and stepped on.  :)  The last courtesy of Sleeping Beauty.  The girls ask one another to babysit their respective babies.  I feel bad for Cinderella's babies because Sleeping Beauty has yet to learn to be gentle.


We have fights over how to fix one's hair and who gets to go first and who gets which bow.  It is never dull here and if it is, it won't be for long because that is when they are up to something and yet another mess will ensue.


As one can see, it is certainly not boring here.  There are always messes, squabbles, drama, pretty clothes and accessories strewn about the house.   But there are always a lot of hugs, kisses and "I love you's." 


I am truly thankful.  

Savannah, GA in October 2010
Cinderella has her eyes closed.  :o)

Happy Thanksgiving from our pit to yours!  ;)

Infertility and My Babies

**I am putting this out here to help someone who may be in the shoes I once had to wear.  What shoes?!  The shoes of an infertile, heartbroken woman.  Though I am no longer in those shoes; no longer heartbroken with empty arms, I don't want to forget how it felt back then.  Everything felt hopeless. It truly makes me appreciate what who I have been given. I want to help someone else who may be wearing those shoes.  I want the women who feel they have no hope to have hope.  Some of it is embarrassing for me to share but I am tired of people being quiet about infertility.  I am speaking out.  Please keep in mind this is an abbreviated version even though it is still long.  And most importantly, never give up hope.  It happened for me.  I pray it can happen for you too.**

With the holidays upon us, I feel it necessary to share some of the things for which I am thankful. I had planned to add something that I was thankful for at the end of each blog post and that hasn't happened. Having a good memory is not something I can be thankful for because that is not one of my gifts. :) I wanted to talk a little bit about a long and lonely journey I lived through: Infertility.

You will notice from the pictures in the sidebar, I have not one, but TWO gorgeous girls. :o) One is five and a half and one just turned three.  Hang on, it was a bumpy ride and some of it is painful for me to share.

Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty

I must share a little more on them. Or rather, what it took to GET them here. When I was younger, maybe 14 years old I KNEW something was wrong with my "woman parts." Doctors agreed, I was put on birth control pills to help with the symptoms and I sent on my merry way to get some ibuprofen. I would miss a few days every month of school because I was too sick to move.  Women on my dad's side of the family notoriously have to have a hysterectomy young.  We just don't seem to be able to keep all our parts.  ;o)


I would later find out that I would have to fight to keep my own parts in my own body.  I had to tell doctors that they were wrong, that I would live with it, somehow, just so I could be a mommy.  I cried and fought and I begged and I pleaded.  With the doctors, sometimes my family, and with my own body.


Years and years of suffering later I found out I had endometriosis. This disease put me through about four surgeries in my early twenties. Why? I was in chronic pain, not just monthly anymore and left untreated, endometriosis can leave a woman barren. Sometimes I couldn't even get out of the bed. Sometimes the laparoscopic surgeries and the removing or burning of the endometriosis helped. Sometimes it did not. If it did, the relief was short lived. I wasn't going through these surgeries and procedures just for temporary relief. I was putting myself, my family and my future husband through this for the chance to maybe have ONE baby one day. I still have the pictures, (though I have NO idea where they are) and I probably sound crazy to some of you, but after the fourth surgery something amazing or miraculous happened. All signs and traces of the disease were gone. A disease that has NO CURE. Even a scar I had across my uterus (no one knew how or why it was there to begin with) was gone. No one knew how to explain why it was gone. My dad knew. He told that doctor it was God. And it was. :) The doctor had to agree. Those painful problems, for the most part, were in the past.

I got engaged and five months later we got married.

I thought I would get married, get pregnant a couple months later as is the tradition in our family if you marry in November, but no.

A few months went by.

A few more months went by.

Then a year went by.

We had a faint positive pregnancy test at some point in there but we didn't even get to celebrate it as it was over as quickly as it began. It was painful and scary and many people still don't know about it but I felt we didn't need to upset anyone more than we needed to.

And it didn't happen again. No more faint positive lines.

By this time we had seen a Reproductive Endocrinologist (who had done my previous surgeries) and he began working with us so we could have a baby.

We did everything the doctor said to do. Private things became public and we felt like all the love that was supposed to create our baby was taken away. So much is taken away when you are diagnosed with infertility. I felt like a science experiment and my poor husband comforted me every month when the answer was "No." I cannot stress to you how heartbreaking infertility is. It makes you question everything.

You get poked and you get prodded. You get shots and medicines that make you feel like you are the hardest person to live with and you feel fat and just plain crazy.

The last time we tried IUI (I put this in abbreviated form so those not wanting to read anything too graphic can skip it) was a no go. I had two eggs, stimulated by the drug Clomid. This drug alone made me feel pregnant. I was moody and cranky and felt like a crazier person that I normally do. The doctor told us that the eggs were not big enough and we would not do the IUI this time.

At this point I gave up trying to make it happen. IVF was the only hope in my getting pregnant. I told the doctor that we would do IVF but I would need to work a couple of years to get the money to do it. Our insurance did not (and may still not) cover such things.

I was OK. I lived through what I didn't think was possible. I prayed and now that I look back, I didn't give up.

I gave it to God.

A few weeks later I felt different. The mere mention of one of my favorite foods made me feel like I'd hurl a million times. I thought, "Could it be?! Are you serious?!" It was time to go buy a home pregnancy test. I could not wait any longer! It was Father's Day 2004 and I found out I was pregnant. The line was faint like before, but not as faint. And I felt different this time as well. The sickness was heightened. I was pretty sure there was more than one baby in there. We have twins in our family and there is a higher occurrence of multiples on the fertility medicines I was taking.

We would find out later that I was indeed pregnant with twins. We lost one at nine weeks. Once again, my world came tumbling down. It didn't seem to affect anyone else the way it did me. I didn't want to seem ungrateful to God because I was getting ONE baby and that's all I had ever hoped and prayed for but part of me hurt and longed for that other baby. And to be even crazier, I am sure it was a boy. I put on a happy face because I was pregnant and yes, I was happy. But I was sad too. I kept the hurt inside though and moved on.

I guess having twins was not meant to be and God knows what He is doing because if I had had the twins I probably would not have my Sleeping Beauty and I cannot and will not imagine my life without her.

New Start

I have been a blogger since December 2006.  I decided to make this blog and not use our real names so as to feel safer and have some sense of anonymity in the blog world.  I don't want just anyone all up in my life.  As of now, I do not plan on continuing my other, private blog.  But that may change.  I am going to get it printed and then I suppose close it down.  Or not...

So, we begin.  I have missed writing.  I have always written.  In books, journals, in my mind and heart.  Always.  A lot of times no one but me and God know what I write and that is OK.  It is a good way for me to process my thoughts and feelings and move on.  This time, however, I am going to be more honest.  I am going to blog about the bad days and the good days.  At times, it seems I have more of the former than the latter but that is normal when raising young children.  No one is perfect and I would hate to make someone feel like they aren't "with it."  No mother is, I promise you.  For example,  I feel like a scatterbrained mess who can barely remember to dress herself each day.  How's that for honesty?!  AND I feel like I am in a sinking boat and all I have is a thimble to remove the filling, sinking boat!  Having two children is A LOT of work!  I can live through the bad because God loves me. He thinks I'm to die for.  (I saw that somewhere and I liked it.  He died for you and for me.)  He loves you too.  More than any of us could ever understand.   I can deal with the tantrums and crying and whining too.  And that's just the husband.  ;o)  With God, I can do anything.  My Mamaw (paternal) used to tell me she never prayed so much as she did raising three boys and a girl.  He helped her through her days and now He is helping me through mine.  I love my husband, The King of the Crazies. (Yes, I am laughing as I type that.)  He is home every night and does the bath time routine with the girls. He treats me well, I try to treat him well, and he works so I don't have to and so I can raise our girls.  Best of all, he loves me for me.  I can totally and completely be myself and he, himself.  I love my girls, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty.  They are amazing and have some of the best of me and my husband in them.  But I am also amazed and humbled that God has entrusted us with their souls.  I feel undeserving and unworthy of these two precious blessings.  They are my miracles.  I will talk more about the fight with depression and infertility that I had to endure to even have my babies.  So, about the girls: They have beautiful souls, pure hearts and are each full of God's love.   Cinderella is in Kindergarten and Sleeping Beauty is home with me. Cinderella is sweet, has a giving heart, is such a helper, loves animals of all kinds and gorgeous.   Sleeping Beauty is wild, loud and crazy, tiny for her age and a gorgeous girl version of her father.  I will share more and more as time goes on about their personalities.  And boy, they have them.  BIG personalities.

I also want to discuss the Bible, God and my faith more.  The above paragraph reminded me of why we should all "Become as little children"  as The Bible says.  Matthew 18:1-5.  Children are pure, blameless (er, for the most part!  ;o) ) and most importantly they do not judge and they love anyone and everyone and all they ask in return is LOVE.

That's it for now.  The King of the Crazies took the princesses fishing and I am enjoying the quiet.


I am guessing I should have titled this entry - "All Over the Place."  :)