It wasn't until this school shooting on Friday that I realized just how unsafe our country has become. Yes, there have been other shootings and yes they have even been in schools. But this one in a Kindergarten through fourth grade school has shaken me to my core. The children killed were Cinderella's age and a year or two older than Sleeping Beauty.
I grew up in a Navy family. I was always aware that there were bad people in the world, people who would want Americans dead if they were given the chance. But I always felt safe. When I was about Cinderella's age we lived in Italy. I went to school on base AN HOUR AWAY from my house. I was in first and second grade during this time. There were guards with guns that rode on the bus with us. I am thankful that I was unaware of that until I was older. Once at school, it wasn't uncommon to have bomb threats and have to hide. Libya was all sorts of crazy then and I remember vividly being crouched down and praying. AT SCHOOL. On a Navy Base. No one can ever tell you that you cannot pray. You can do so in your head and only you and God will know.
Deuteronomy 31:6
New King James Version (NKJV)
"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”
One thing I have ALWAYS taken with me and that I will instill in my girls is that GOD IS ALWAYS THERE and you can always talk to Him. The WORST thing they can do is kill you and if that happens, and you are a child who is innocent, you get to go to Heaven. That is where everyone is trying to make it to anyway. To not be sad about those left behind because God will take care of them too.
I am still anxious and do not like my oldest being at school today. I have cried and prayed about her safety and the safety of other children in schools across our country and even overseas. I would not be OK at all if something were to happen to either of my girls but I will not stop living my life because of fear. Then evil has won and evil doesn't win. I've read the end of The Book. :)
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Monday, December 17, 2012
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Oh, Sleeping Beauty!
Those of you that read here a lot, read at my old blog and know us in person know one thing to be true: Sleeping Beauty is a tiny and mighty force to reckoned with. She cannot be tamed and her ideas and thoughts are hers and she will not be deterred. She voices her opinions on nearly everything and has been known to call out fashion disasters in public. She is as smart as whip and takes no prisoners. :)
Here's a little taste of this spicy diva:
Back in February she started a sentence with the following, "I'm not bein' no rude but..."
**
Also, this past February she said, "I'm gonna put these pants in the dishwasher. There was a big wreck in the bathroom."
Translation: She got her pajamas wet carrying her humidifier! She needed them washed and dried in the washing machine and dryer - not the dishwasher. And the spill was the "big wreck."
**
Back in March she asked me why I married her daddy. I quoted one of her favorite movies "Enchanted" and said, "Because he is my True Love's Kiss."
Also one night back in March we had this exchange at the dinner table:
Sleeping Beauty: "Princess Furry Pants wants some dinner."
Me: "OK. Give her some." (Usually this is discouraged.)
Tim: "Oh, don't punish her. She doesn't know!!"
Sleeping Beauty: "She likes it."
Tim: "I've seen her eat her own poop."
Ah, the word "poop" spoken at dinner. Dreamy. :o/
**
Exerskill = exercise
Back in April Sleeping Beauty was banging on the floor. "Is the devil under here?!"
Me: "Well, kind of. He's in the ground. He didn't listen to God and was cast out of heaven for being bad."
Sleeping Beauty: "Jesus died on the cross for us!" (Big smile.) I love that little girl, as hard headed as she is!
**
She loves the movie "Sleeping Beauty" and has for a long time. One of her favorite things about the movie is Maleficent, the evil lady that turns into a dragon at the end. Sleeping Beauty (mine, not the movie one) said a few weeks ago, "Every night when I go to sleep I see her." HAHAHA
**
Back in the spring I was in Target and went to buy Cinderella a new bathing suit cover up. Sleeping Beauty piped up, "I've been 'plainin' about mine for a while..."
'plainin' = complaining
**
She has started a sentence with this more than once: "When this house catches on fire..."
Whaaa?!
**
Cam-ah-wahl = caramel
Kin-nee-key-ya = Uniqua from "The Backyardigans"
**
This summer the girls got their ears pierced. Cinderella nearly fainted and Sleeping Beauty sat in the seat, closed her eyes and smiled, "I've waited two long years for this!!"
**
"Mommy, can I have a criminal pencil?"
criminal pencil = mechanical pencil
Me: "I won't make you. That money is a gift."
Sleeping Beauty: "...Because God has enough money. He can have anything. Why do we always have to give Him money?!"
Me: "Well, to keep the church going, to pay the preacher, to help....."
Interrupting me she says, "Every time I turn around I'm giving money in the plate! Next time I will slap the plate to the floor!" (I dread this coming Sunday now.)
She is too funny. :o) and :o/ Please pray for us all. Seriously.
**
And finally, a quote from my prince: "People seem to enjoy what you write. I'm not one of 'em but I appreciate they're out there."
!?!?!
**
Hope you at least got a chuckle out of all this. :)
Here's a little taste of this spicy diva:
Back in February she started a sentence with the following, "I'm not bein' no rude but..."
**
Also, this past February she said, "I'm gonna put these pants in the dishwasher. There was a big wreck in the bathroom."
Translation: She got her pajamas wet carrying her humidifier! She needed them washed and dried in the washing machine and dryer - not the dishwasher. And the spill was the "big wreck."
**
Back in March she asked me why I married her daddy. I quoted one of her favorite movies "Enchanted" and said, "Because he is my True Love's Kiss."
Sleeping Beauty deadpanned while squinting her eyes, "Daddy's no prince!!"
**
In March little sister said to big sister, "I'm a big kid now. Now I'm going to get married." Cinderella just stood there and blinked her eyes. (If you know her well you know exactly what I am talking about!!)Also one night back in March we had this exchange at the dinner table:
Sleeping Beauty: "Princess Furry Pants wants some dinner."
Me: "OK. Give her some." (Usually this is discouraged.)
Tim: "Oh, don't punish her. She doesn't know!!"
Sleeping Beauty: "She likes it."
Tim: "I've seen her eat her own poop."
Ah, the word "poop" spoken at dinner. Dreamy. :o/
**
Exerskill = exercise
Back in April Sleeping Beauty was banging on the floor. "Is the devil under here?!"
Me: "Well, kind of. He's in the ground. He didn't listen to God and was cast out of heaven for being bad."
Sleeping Beauty: "Jesus died on the cross for us!" (Big smile.) I love that little girl, as hard headed as she is!
**
She loves the movie "Sleeping Beauty" and has for a long time. One of her favorite things about the movie is Maleficent, the evil lady that turns into a dragon at the end. Sleeping Beauty (mine, not the movie one) said a few weeks ago, "Every night when I go to sleep I see her." HAHAHA
**
Back in the spring I was in Target and went to buy Cinderella a new bathing suit cover up. Sleeping Beauty piped up, "I've been 'plainin' about mine for a while..."
'plainin' = complaining
**
She has started a sentence with this more than once: "When this house catches on fire..."
Whaaa?!
**
Cam-ah-wahl = caramel
Kin-nee-key-ya = Uniqua from "The Backyardigans"
**
This summer the girls got their ears pierced. Cinderella nearly fainted and Sleeping Beauty sat in the seat, closed her eyes and smiled, "I've waited two long years for this!!"
**
"Mommy, can I have a criminal pencil?"
criminal pencil = mechanical pencil
 |
| Using her "criminal pencil." |
**
Sleeping Beauty had some money sent to her by some relatives. This morning she held it in her hands, looked down at the money and then back at me. "I don't wanna give this to the Lord's Supper" (contribution at church).Me: "I won't make you. That money is a gift."
Sleeping Beauty: "...Because God has enough money. He can have anything. Why do we always have to give Him money?!"
Me: "Well, to keep the church going, to pay the preacher, to help....."
Interrupting me she says, "Every time I turn around I'm giving money in the plate! Next time I will slap the plate to the floor!" (I dread this coming Sunday now.)
She is too funny. :o) and :o/ Please pray for us all. Seriously.
**
And finally, a quote from my prince: "People seem to enjoy what you write. I'm not one of 'em but I appreciate they're out there."
!?!?!
**
Hope you at least got a chuckle out of all this. :)
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Prayer
When someone is dealing with infertility, depression, heartbreak and many other issues people pray. People are told to pray by other people and by God in the Bible. We never know what the outcome will be or even if we will get the answer we want. The answer can be yes, no or not now. Whatever the answer, it is always in our best interest and sometimes that reason is unknown to us for the rest of our lives. Sometimes it makes no sense and it seems as if our prayers are going unheard. I know that they are not. Sometimes we do find out later why the prayer was answered the way it was. It makes me think about having my two girls. I went through a lot before I even tried to start having them and then during my pregnancies and after having had them. Just when I thought things would get easier I had another obstacle to overcome. I think it all might have been easier if I could have had a glimpse into what my future would hold:
The moral of this story is to pray and pray big, for you never know what He has in store for you. I can guarantee in most cases it will be even better than your wildest dreams. At least, it was for me and my family. :)
My two girls and my nephew - he is an answer to a whole other set of prayers
 |
| Summer 2011 |
Saturday, June 11, 2011
For Ladies Only
As females, we go through so very much. A couple of those things are PMS and cramps. And if you say you do not get cramps I may just cut you.
PMS is a nightmare. No matter how beautiful we are, we feel fat, ugly, bloated and depressed. And sometimes homicidal, but I digress. It's no fun and just around the corner the real fun begins.
More bloating.
Cramping.
Headaches or even worse, migraines.
Nothing fits.
We want to eat everything in sight.
Cranky and irritable.
All we want is chocolate or potato chips. Sometimes, we want both.
Heaven help the man who has to live with us.
And we want to cut everyone we see.
And then there is the obvious, which bears no mentioning. As if it couldn't get worse from here and yet it does...
But we deal. We have no choice in the matter really and the reward, one day, we are told will be GRAND. Wonderful. Beautiful. We have the chance to make miracles! We have the ability to have a baby when the time is right.
Only sometimes that time doesn't come when we want it to.
Sometimes it is delayed. And for some, that time never comes. Ever.
It is so awful that we are raised to believe (by society) we can reproduce when we want to and have the results we want when we want them but the truth is, it doesn't work that way. At all.
Being infertile is almost taboo. No one talks about it. And it is getting better. More people are coming forward and sharing their struggles every day. When I was going through it, it took me talking about it and sharing about it to get others to tell me they went through it too. And it is more common than we are led to believe...
What are your thoughts on this? Did you believe when the time was right you could have a baby when you wanted? How did your journey to getting pregnant go? ANYONE can reply, you don't have to have struggled for your children.
We know how mine went. It took a while and I had to fight to keep my own body parts in my twenties. I endured heartbreak, depression, loss, pain and anger to just name a few. Every woman's journey to motherhood is different. But I now have two beautiful girls and I want to help other women not give up hope. It is so easy to feel helpless, like everyone else is pregnant and like nothing will ever go your way.
I never could have realized when I was trying to get pregnant with Cinderella that I wasn't ready to be a mom yet. In hindsight I can see that now. (I am not speaking for everyone this is just my story.) When the time truly was right I did get pregnant but it was in God's time, not mine.
They were worth the wait.
Now my life is full of love and laughter. ANd cRaZiNeSs. I mean, where else can you see a six year old in an infant bouncy seat? Later the three year old Sleeping Beauty had her turn. We had this out for my nephew when he came to dinner and the girls were alllll over it!
Never, ever, ever give up hope. Sometimes it is all we really have. If I can help you in any way please email me - my email address is in my profile. I am praying for those of you who are struggling and especially for the women who have reached out to me recently. I know how it feels and I will never forget it.
James 1:17 "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning."
1 Samuel 1:27 "For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition which I asked of Him."
PMS is a nightmare. No matter how beautiful we are, we feel fat, ugly, bloated and depressed. And sometimes homicidal, but I digress. It's no fun and just around the corner the real fun begins.
More bloating.
Cramping.
Headaches or even worse, migraines.
Nothing fits.
We want to eat everything in sight.
Cranky and irritable.
All we want is chocolate or potato chips. Sometimes, we want both.
Heaven help the man who has to live with us.
And we want to cut everyone we see.
And then there is the obvious, which bears no mentioning. As if it couldn't get worse from here and yet it does...
But we deal. We have no choice in the matter really and the reward, one day, we are told will be GRAND. Wonderful. Beautiful. We have the chance to make miracles! We have the ability to have a baby when the time is right.
Only sometimes that time doesn't come when we want it to.
Sometimes it is delayed. And for some, that time never comes. Ever.
It is so awful that we are raised to believe (by society) we can reproduce when we want to and have the results we want when we want them but the truth is, it doesn't work that way. At all.
Being infertile is almost taboo. No one talks about it. And it is getting better. More people are coming forward and sharing their struggles every day. When I was going through it, it took me talking about it and sharing about it to get others to tell me they went through it too. And it is more common than we are led to believe...
What are your thoughts on this? Did you believe when the time was right you could have a baby when you wanted? How did your journey to getting pregnant go? ANYONE can reply, you don't have to have struggled for your children.
We know how mine went. It took a while and I had to fight to keep my own body parts in my twenties. I endured heartbreak, depression, loss, pain and anger to just name a few. Every woman's journey to motherhood is different. But I now have two beautiful girls and I want to help other women not give up hope. It is so easy to feel helpless, like everyone else is pregnant and like nothing will ever go your way.
I never could have realized when I was trying to get pregnant with Cinderella that I wasn't ready to be a mom yet. In hindsight I can see that now. (I am not speaking for everyone this is just my story.) When the time truly was right I did get pregnant but it was in God's time, not mine.
They were worth the wait.
Never, ever, ever give up hope. Sometimes it is all we really have. If I can help you in any way please email me - my email address is in my profile. I am praying for those of you who are struggling and especially for the women who have reached out to me recently. I know how it feels and I will never forget it.
James 1:17 "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning."
1 Samuel 1:27 "For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition which I asked of Him."
Friday, February 18, 2011
My Girls
Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty are outside (today is a school holiday) swinging in the beautiful Spring-like weather. I am right inside the window, with it open, watching them and even more amusing, listening to them.
They, ages almost six and three, are planning for one of the happiest days of their lives. They are planning their wedding days.
While I know, Lord willing, I have many, many years left with them being here at home...my heart aches.
I also heard, "When I get old like Mommy..." I blacked out after that, came to, and decided to write the following...
Wasn't this just a few weeks ago?!
"Mother Theresa"
Cinderella is so very special. She was our first and we fought, prayed and cried to get her here. Infertility is a horrible, nasty thing to experience and I will never shy away from sharing about our experiences with it. Yes, it made us stronger, refined us and taught us patience (boy did it ever). But it also devastated us and made us question everything. There must have been a reason we suffered through so much. Maybe so I could tell our story. But then, God blessed us with her. She is the single best thing that has ever happened to me. Aside from her daddy and sister, of course. Everyone that knows her loves her. She is not catty or selfish and loves to play with her little sister. I experienced motherhood first with her and we will always have that bond. We lived through so many "firsts" together and she has taught me a lot. I am still learning. She is my mini-me. She made me a mommy, King of the Crazies a daddy, my sister an aunt, my brother an uncle and taught my parents how to be "NanaPa." She has made all our lives better for having her in it. I can't believe she is almost six years old.
Or this?! This was surely yesterday...
I was only in labor for 17 hours with Sleeping Beauty but her actual birth was amazing and easy compared to her big sister. I mean, I did deliver her. I don't know what it is about Sleeping Beauty, maybe because she was such a gift from God after the struggle to get pregnant with her big sister, but when I gave birth to her and welcomed her into this world and looked at her, I knew her. Funny how that is sometimes. She is an old soul, wise beyond her short three years and very intuitive. Plus, I got to hold her straightway and not wait for over an hour because she was in distress like her big sister. With Cinderella, it was all traumatic and rough and yes, a longer labor than 17 hours. Even the doctor said she had never been so stressed out! :o/ Nevertheless, I loved her immediately and so happy to finally put her face with her name. The minute I saw her I would have taken down anyone who got in my way or hurt my baby! But it was worth all I went through for both my girls. I would do it again to have them here. :o)
Thank goodness they are only almost six and three.
They, ages almost six and three, are planning for one of the happiest days of their lives. They are planning their wedding days.
While I know, Lord willing, I have many, many years left with them being here at home...my heart aches.
I also heard, "When I get old like Mommy..." I blacked out after that, came to, and decided to write the following...
Wasn't this just a few weeks ago?!
Cinderella:
 |
| Believe me, I look good for what I just went through. Our Heiress (says that on her nightie) |
 |
| Swingin' it up! |
 |
| Photo credit Jon |
Cinderella is so very special. She was our first and we fought, prayed and cried to get her here. Infertility is a horrible, nasty thing to experience and I will never shy away from sharing about our experiences with it. Yes, it made us stronger, refined us and taught us patience (boy did it ever). But it also devastated us and made us question everything. There must have been a reason we suffered through so much. Maybe so I could tell our story. But then, God blessed us with her. She is the single best thing that has ever happened to me. Aside from her daddy and sister, of course. Everyone that knows her loves her. She is not catty or selfish and loves to play with her little sister. I experienced motherhood first with her and we will always have that bond. We lived through so many "firsts" together and she has taught me a lot. I am still learning. She is my mini-me. She made me a mommy, King of the Crazies a daddy, my sister an aunt, my brother an uncle and taught my parents how to be "NanaPa." She has made all our lives better for having her in it. I can't believe she is almost six years old.
Or this?! This was surely yesterday...
Sleeping Beauty:
This is still a favorite. |
| Photo Credit My Dad |
 |
| Photo Credit My Dad |
 | ||
| See how big the outfit is? It was Preemie size! (Next three by my Dad)
|
Cinderella meets Sleeping Beauty!
The 3 Crazy Gals
This is another favorite - my sis, me and my mom (Nana)
 |
| By Dad |
The 3 Crazy Gals
 |
I was only in labor for 17 hours with Sleeping Beauty but her actual birth was amazing and easy compared to her big sister. I mean, I did deliver her. I don't know what it is about Sleeping Beauty, maybe because she was such a gift from God after the struggle to get pregnant with her big sister, but when I gave birth to her and welcomed her into this world and looked at her, I knew her. Funny how that is sometimes. She is an old soul, wise beyond her short three years and very intuitive. Plus, I got to hold her straightway and not wait for over an hour because she was in distress like her big sister. With Cinderella, it was all traumatic and rough and yes, a longer labor than 17 hours. Even the doctor said she had never been so stressed out! :o/ Nevertheless, I loved her immediately and so happy to finally put her face with her name. The minute I saw her I would have taken down anyone who got in my way or hurt my baby! But it was worth all I went through for both my girls. I would do it again to have them here. :o)
Thank goodness they are only almost six and three.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
BaBy ShOwEr
My sister had her baby shower today and we had a great turn out. Here are the hostesses, Amy in the middle, and a couple of kids who insisted on being in the picture.
So, this is for my sister who is 36 weeks along with her first, a boy.
"Song for a 5th 1st Child" by Ruth Hamilton
Babies Don't Keep
Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I've grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo)
 |
| "I was worth the wait." |
 |
| "Mommy's mane man" (It has a lion on the front.) |
For children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.
She got some much needed help. ;)
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thankful for the drama, the messes and the squabbles in my life
It is amazing how quickly I have forgotten what it is like to have two little divas in the house all day for several days in a row. It's only been three months since school started. Since Cinderella is on Thanksgiving break from Kindergarten (AKA Big Kid School) and I am a stay at home mom, I have been with the girls a lot. And THAT is an understatement. They love one another but let's face it; they are sisters and the fights are inevitable. The good thing is that, as sisters tend to do, they can be having a squabble and be fine a few moments later. I, in all honesty, find myself popping more Excedrin Migraine and hanging on for the ride. I have to remind myself sometimes that this is what I prayed to God for - my girls, their messes and all the drama they come with.
During the recent days here at home, I have heard my daughters say, "I love you" to each other countless times, but I have heard some "I'm mad at you's" from the one to the other. And it is usually the pint-size Sleeping Beauty turning her Hulk-size rage on her big sister. They have gotten along famously for the most part though and are inseparable. I am so thankful for those times, even when they are few and far between. More often than not the little sister so is happy to have her big sister home. I am happy in that they have one another to play with and entertain one another. I am not so thrilled with the constant keep-up-with-the-house-before-it-all-goes-to-pot feeling. I feel we are one step away from living in a pit some days. We are working really hard at keeping this house not only livable but clean. And it is a haaaard job with the two girls and a dog around.
During the days of Thanksgiving Break 2010, there is a lot going on. As soon as one activity is started for one, the other one bores of it quickly and makes way to making a new, possibly bigger mess, er activity. I have to remind them countless times to clean up one mess before beginning another. Cinderella does well with this but only really when she is reminded, so to me it feels like it is battle that is always being fought. Sleeping Beauty, on the other hand, lives to create chaos, messes and destroy our home. And she is good at all of those. I am wondering if I can rent her out to demolish old buildings or something similar to make some money to help pay for her food and clothing. She eats like a teenage boy and dresses like she is ready for a fashion photo shoot and she has expensive taste.
Tutus are strewn about the room. Poor Princess Furry Pants is covered in princess gowns with a semi-pleased look on her face. But to the girls she looks downright hilarious and thus begins a new makeover/dress-up game. Giggles fill the air as the three girls play and run circles around one another. Princess Furry Pants tires first because, let's face it, she thinks she is a cat and needs exactly twenty-three good hours of sleep to function. And by function I mean that she has to be able to make it to the backyard to do her "doggy business," make it to her food and water bowls and police the two girls at all times. Times like these make me realize how truly blessed I am.
During the course of the day countless activities take place. Several what feels like countless outfits are worn, some for dress up play and some out of necessity. They are princesses, but they are messy princesses. The laundry piles stay high now matter what I do and how hard I work. It is a good day when the clean, unfolded pile is higher than the dirty clothes pile. I really think the clothes multiply and I really could write a whole other post on my theories about laundry...
Arts and crafts must take place and that can mean anything from drawing to taping numerous things to a wall to actually drawing or cutting something for Cinderella. Cinderella loves tape and would probably be happy to get tape for Christmas. To Sleeping Beauty, arts and crafts means "seek and destroy" her sister's hard work. It usually ends with one in tears and the other laughing. Can you guess which one is laughing?!
We have numerous baby dolls to be swaddled, fed, burped, patted and stepped on. :) The last courtesy of Sleeping Beauty. The girls ask one another to babysit their respective babies. I feel bad for Cinderella's babies because Sleeping Beauty has yet to learn to be gentle.
We have fights over how to fix one's hair and who gets to go first and who gets which bow. It is never dull here and if it is, it won't be for long because that is when they are up to something and yet another mess will ensue.
As one can see, it is certainly not boring here. There are always messes, squabbles, drama, pretty clothes and accessories strewn about the house. But there are always a lot of hugs, kisses and "I love you's."
I am truly thankful.
 |
| Savannah, GA in October 2010 Cinderella has her eyes closed. :o) |
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Infertility and My Babies
**I am putting this out here to help someone who may be in the shoes I once had to wear. What shoes?! The shoes of an infertile, heartbroken woman. Though I am no longer in those shoes; no longer heartbroken with empty arms, I don't want to forget how it felt back then. Everything felt hopeless. It truly makes me appreciate what who I have been given. I want to help someone else who may be wearing those shoes. I want the women who feel they have no hope to have hope. Some of it is embarrassing for me to share but I am tired of people being quiet about infertility. I am speaking out. Please keep in mind this is an abbreviated version even though it is still long. And most importantly, never give up hope. It happened for me. I pray it can happen for you too.**
With the holidays upon us, I feel it necessary to share some of the things for which I am thankful. I had planned to add something that I was thankful for at the end of each blog post and that hasn't happened. Having a good memory is not something I can be thankful for because that is not one of my gifts. :) I wanted to talk a little bit about a long and lonely journey I lived through: Infertility.
You will notice from the pictures in the sidebar, I have not one, but TWO gorgeous girls. :o) One is five and a half and one just turned three. Hang on, it was a bumpy ride and some of it is painful for me to share.
Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty
I must share a little more on them. Or rather, what it took to GET them here. When I was younger, maybe 14 years old I KNEW something was wrong with my "woman parts." Doctors agreed, I was put on birth control pills to help with the symptoms and I sent on my merry way to get some ibuprofen. I would miss a few days every month of school because I was too sick to move. Women on my dad's side of the family notoriously have to have a hysterectomy young. We just don't seem to be able to keep all our parts. ;o)
I would later find out that I would have to fight to keep my own parts in my own body. I had to tell doctors that they were wrong, that I would live with it, somehow, just so I could be a mommy. I cried and fought and I begged and I pleaded. With the doctors, sometimes my family, and with my own body.
Years and years of suffering later I found out I had endometriosis. This disease put me through about four surgeries in my early twenties. Why? I was in chronic pain, not just monthly anymore and left untreated, endometriosis can leave a woman barren. Sometimes I couldn't even get out of the bed. Sometimes the laparoscopic surgeries and the removing or burning of the endometriosis helped. Sometimes it did not. If it did, the relief was short lived. I wasn't going through these surgeries and procedures just for temporary relief. I was putting myself, my family and my future husband through this for the chance to maybe have ONE baby one day. I still have the pictures, (though I have NO idea where they are) and I probably sound crazy to some of you, but after the fourth surgery something amazing or miraculous happened. All signs and traces of the disease were gone. A disease that has NO CURE. Even a scar I had across my uterus (no one knew how or why it was there to begin with) was gone. No one knew how to explain why it was gone. My dad knew. He told that doctor it was God. And it was. :) The doctor had to agree. Those painful problems, for the most part, were in the past.
I got engaged and five months later we got married.
I thought I would get married, get pregnant a couple months later as is the tradition in our family if you marry in November, but no.
A few months went by.
A few more months went by.
Then a year went by.
We had a faint positive pregnancy test at some point in there but we didn't even get to celebrate it as it was over as quickly as it began. It was painful and scary and many people still don't know about it but I felt we didn't need to upset anyone more than we needed to.
And it didn't happen again. No more faint positive lines.
By this time we had seen a Reproductive Endocrinologist (who had done my previous surgeries) and he began working with us so we could have a baby.
We did everything the doctor said to do. Private things became public and we felt like all the love that was supposed to create our baby was taken away. So much is taken away when you are diagnosed with infertility. I felt like a science experiment and my poor husband comforted me every month when the answer was "No." I cannot stress to you how heartbreaking infertility is. It makes you question everything.
You get poked and you get prodded. You get shots and medicines that make you feel like you are the hardest person to live with and you feel fat and just plain crazy.
The last time we tried IUI (I put this in abbreviated form so those not wanting to read anything too graphic can skip it) was a no go. I had two eggs, stimulated by the drug Clomid. This drug alone made me feel pregnant. I was moody and cranky and felt like a crazier person that I normally do. The doctor told us that the eggs were not big enough and we would not do the IUI this time.
At this point I gave up trying to make it happen. IVF was the only hope in my getting pregnant. I told the doctor that we would do IVF but I would need to work a couple of years to get the money to do it. Our insurance did not (and may still not) cover such things.
I was OK. I lived through what I didn't think was possible. I prayed and now that I look back, I didn't give up.
I gave it to God.
A few weeks later I felt different. The mere mention of one of my favorite foods made me feel like I'd hurl a million times. I thought, "Could it be?! Are you serious?!" It was time to go buy a home pregnancy test. I could not wait any longer! It was Father's Day 2004 and I found out I was pregnant. The line was faint like before, but not as faint. And I felt different this time as well. The sickness was heightened. I was pretty sure there was more than one baby in there. We have twins in our family and there is a higher occurrence of multiples on the fertility medicines I was taking.
We would find out later that I was indeed pregnant with twins. We lost one at nine weeks. Once again, my world came tumbling down. It didn't seem to affect anyone else the way it did me. I didn't want to seem ungrateful to God because I was getting ONE baby and that's all I had ever hoped and prayed for but part of me hurt and longed for that other baby. And to be even crazier, I am sure it was a boy. I put on a happy face because I was pregnant and yes, I was happy. But I was sad too. I kept the hurt inside though and moved on.
I guess having twins was not meant to be and God knows what He is doing because if I had had the twins I probably would not have my Sleeping Beauty and I cannot and will not imagine my life without her.
With the holidays upon us, I feel it necessary to share some of the things for which I am thankful. I had planned to add something that I was thankful for at the end of each blog post and that hasn't happened. Having a good memory is not something I can be thankful for because that is not one of my gifts. :) I wanted to talk a little bit about a long and lonely journey I lived through: Infertility.
You will notice from the pictures in the sidebar, I have not one, but TWO gorgeous girls. :o) One is five and a half and one just turned three. Hang on, it was a bumpy ride and some of it is painful for me to share.
Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty
I must share a little more on them. Or rather, what it took to GET them here. When I was younger, maybe 14 years old I KNEW something was wrong with my "woman parts." Doctors agreed, I was put on birth control pills to help with the symptoms and I sent on my merry way to get some ibuprofen. I would miss a few days every month of school because I was too sick to move. Women on my dad's side of the family notoriously have to have a hysterectomy young. We just don't seem to be able to keep all our parts. ;o)
I would later find out that I would have to fight to keep my own parts in my own body. I had to tell doctors that they were wrong, that I would live with it, somehow, just so I could be a mommy. I cried and fought and I begged and I pleaded. With the doctors, sometimes my family, and with my own body.
Years and years of suffering later I found out I had endometriosis. This disease put me through about four surgeries in my early twenties. Why? I was in chronic pain, not just monthly anymore and left untreated, endometriosis can leave a woman barren. Sometimes I couldn't even get out of the bed. Sometimes the laparoscopic surgeries and the removing or burning of the endometriosis helped. Sometimes it did not. If it did, the relief was short lived. I wasn't going through these surgeries and procedures just for temporary relief. I was putting myself, my family and my future husband through this for the chance to maybe have ONE baby one day. I still have the pictures, (though I have NO idea where they are) and I probably sound crazy to some of you, but after the fourth surgery something amazing or miraculous happened. All signs and traces of the disease were gone. A disease that has NO CURE. Even a scar I had across my uterus (no one knew how or why it was there to begin with) was gone. No one knew how to explain why it was gone. My dad knew. He told that doctor it was God. And it was. :) The doctor had to agree. Those painful problems, for the most part, were in the past.
I got engaged and five months later we got married.
I thought I would get married, get pregnant a couple months later as is the tradition in our family if you marry in November, but no.
A few months went by.
A few more months went by.
Then a year went by.
We had a faint positive pregnancy test at some point in there but we didn't even get to celebrate it as it was over as quickly as it began. It was painful and scary and many people still don't know about it but I felt we didn't need to upset anyone more than we needed to.
And it didn't happen again. No more faint positive lines.
By this time we had seen a Reproductive Endocrinologist (who had done my previous surgeries) and he began working with us so we could have a baby.
We did everything the doctor said to do. Private things became public and we felt like all the love that was supposed to create our baby was taken away. So much is taken away when you are diagnosed with infertility. I felt like a science experiment and my poor husband comforted me every month when the answer was "No." I cannot stress to you how heartbreaking infertility is. It makes you question everything.
You get poked and you get prodded. You get shots and medicines that make you feel like you are the hardest person to live with and you feel fat and just plain crazy.
The last time we tried IUI (I put this in abbreviated form so those not wanting to read anything too graphic can skip it) was a no go. I had two eggs, stimulated by the drug Clomid. This drug alone made me feel pregnant. I was moody and cranky and felt like a crazier person that I normally do. The doctor told us that the eggs were not big enough and we would not do the IUI this time.
At this point I gave up trying to make it happen. IVF was the only hope in my getting pregnant. I told the doctor that we would do IVF but I would need to work a couple of years to get the money to do it. Our insurance did not (and may still not) cover such things.
I was OK. I lived through what I didn't think was possible. I prayed and now that I look back, I didn't give up.
I gave it to God.
A few weeks later I felt different. The mere mention of one of my favorite foods made me feel like I'd hurl a million times. I thought, "Could it be?! Are you serious?!" It was time to go buy a home pregnancy test. I could not wait any longer! It was Father's Day 2004 and I found out I was pregnant. The line was faint like before, but not as faint. And I felt different this time as well. The sickness was heightened. I was pretty sure there was more than one baby in there. We have twins in our family and there is a higher occurrence of multiples on the fertility medicines I was taking.
We would find out later that I was indeed pregnant with twins. We lost one at nine weeks. Once again, my world came tumbling down. It didn't seem to affect anyone else the way it did me. I didn't want to seem ungrateful to God because I was getting ONE baby and that's all I had ever hoped and prayed for but part of me hurt and longed for that other baby. And to be even crazier, I am sure it was a boy. I put on a happy face because I was pregnant and yes, I was happy. But I was sad too. I kept the hurt inside though and moved on.
I guess having twins was not meant to be and God knows what He is doing because if I had had the twins I probably would not have my Sleeping Beauty and I cannot and will not imagine my life without her.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Oh, Heaven Let Your Light Shine Down...
This picture has no editing in the colors - it was just darkened and look at the colors shining on them!! :)
Looking at this picture I thought of God and Heaven and then these lyrics to the song "Shine" by Collective Soul.
Songwriter: Ed Roland
Give me a sign
Show me where to look
Tell me what will I find
Lay me on the ground
Fly me in the sky
Show me where to look
Tell me what will I find
Oh, heaven let your light shine down
Love is in the water
Love is in the air
Show me where to look
Tell me will love be there
Teach me how to speak
Teach me how to share
Teach me where to go
Tell me will love be there
Oh, heaven let your light shine down
I'm gonna let it shine
I'm gonna let it shine
Heaven send a light, let it shine on me
Hey Yeah
Hey Yeah
Heaven send a light, let it shine on me
It's gonna shine on
Shine on Me
Its gonna shine on
Well come on and shine
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Merry Hallow-giving?!
Am I the only one noticing that the Christmas decorations are out in the stores earlier each year? Did I forget to take my crazy pills?!
I have always laughed at the fact that the stores seem to push the selling of items for Christmas and its decorations extremely early. In the summer months the malls would have the "Back to School" sales start with specials on clothing for the fall and for school. Then with those, the introduction of fall decor: Pumpkins, scarecrows, decorations for the home in oranges, browns, burgundies, and dark yellows.
The notebooks, pencils, folders, paste that the weird kids ate and backpacks are out next. As a little girl, this was the very worst sight to behold during my months of summer fun. My sister felt the same way. Our days of roller skating in the garage were coming to an end. I felt the end of the world was near and that before I would know it, I'd be back in school, day in and day out. I felt I would be held hostage by the state and forced to learn things I didn't want to learn. I wanted to play!! Never mind the fact that I still had plenty of time. Drama, anyone?! Where do my princesses get being drama queens from?! When one is a child, Christmas takes what seems like ten years to come and summer is over in a matter of days. Consequently, the opposite it true once one is a parent. Funny how life works. School starts as early as August in some states and as late as September, after Labor Day, in others. The school supplies would be out in the stores around Independence Day and depending on where we were living, the summer was either just getting started or winding down in my mind. My dad was in the Navy so we were like ping pong balls, moving from coast to coast, country to country. Some summers really were shorter than others when we left an area that got out for the summer later and moved to area that started school in early August. Those times blew chunks. No matter where we were, I could feel the days slipping by...faster and faster. It was as if, as the days moved forward and toward the days I would be trapped in school, someone, maybe my worn out mom, ;o) was pressing a fast forward button.
I soon reconciled myself to the days of "homework first, then play time." I would look forward to my birthday in the middle of October and Halloween! Halloween is still one of my very favorite holidays and a lot of my most cherished childhood memories were on this holiday. My mom would make our costumes as young children and sometimes Halloween snacks for our classes at school. We'd eat her homemade chili, a tradition I now have with my own family, and then my dad would take my sister and me out Trick-or-Treating. Then, several years later, my little brother came along and my dad would take the three of us out while my mom stayed home and handed out candy to all the little princesses, super heroes, witches and such.
After my stomachache subsided and the cavities were filled by the dentist, the glorious Christmas decorations and toys would be out in the stores. Never mind the fact that we hadn't even bought, cooked and swallowed our turkey dinner on Thanksgiving. Christmas was coming!! Yahoooooo! Then time began to creep by very, very, verrrrry slowly.
That was then. Back in the days of yore. And when dinosaurs roamed the earth. You see, my kids think we are ancient. All kids think their parents are when they are young. Now the stores are pushing Christmas, sometimes before Halloween is ever even considered. It seems like Halloween is even skipped over. Not a money maker I suppose.
Three years ago, a couple days after having Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella and I were out running errands. Christmas had exploded on the scene. It was October the eleventh. This made my two and a half year old Cinderella very pleased. I was left feeling like I was in some time warp and a panic swept over me as I realized I now had TWO kids! I was tired and worn out from just giving birth, having a newborn and a toddler and a house to run and it was about to be the end of me. A few months later I really struggled with something that only God and the King of the Crazies know about. I had postpartum depression and it took me almost a year to fight my way out to the other side. It was a hard time in my life and it was hard on my family but we came through stronger because of it. I will share more on this in a later post. I am starting to be of the mind set that if I can help someone, even just one person, I can get over the fact that it is embarrassing to admit.
A woman can have Post Partum Depression (or PPD) any time in the year after giving birth.
So, there you have it. It may feel like you are in some time warp or "Back in Time" a la Marty McFly, but...
MERRY HALLOW-GIVING!!
I have always laughed at the fact that the stores seem to push the selling of items for Christmas and its decorations extremely early. In the summer months the malls would have the "Back to School" sales start with specials on clothing for the fall and for school. Then with those, the introduction of fall decor: Pumpkins, scarecrows, decorations for the home in oranges, browns, burgundies, and dark yellows.
The notebooks, pencils, folders, paste that the weird kids ate and backpacks are out next. As a little girl, this was the very worst sight to behold during my months of summer fun. My sister felt the same way. Our days of roller skating in the garage were coming to an end. I felt the end of the world was near and that before I would know it, I'd be back in school, day in and day out. I felt I would be held hostage by the state and forced to learn things I didn't want to learn. I wanted to play!! Never mind the fact that I still had plenty of time. Drama, anyone?! Where do my princesses get being drama queens from?! When one is a child, Christmas takes what seems like ten years to come and summer is over in a matter of days. Consequently, the opposite it true once one is a parent. Funny how life works. School starts as early as August in some states and as late as September, after Labor Day, in others. The school supplies would be out in the stores around Independence Day and depending on where we were living, the summer was either just getting started or winding down in my mind. My dad was in the Navy so we were like ping pong balls, moving from coast to coast, country to country. Some summers really were shorter than others when we left an area that got out for the summer later and moved to area that started school in early August. Those times blew chunks. No matter where we were, I could feel the days slipping by...faster and faster. It was as if, as the days moved forward and toward the days I would be trapped in school, someone, maybe my worn out mom, ;o) was pressing a fast forward button.
I soon reconciled myself to the days of "homework first, then play time." I would look forward to my birthday in the middle of October and Halloween! Halloween is still one of my very favorite holidays and a lot of my most cherished childhood memories were on this holiday. My mom would make our costumes as young children and sometimes Halloween snacks for our classes at school. We'd eat her homemade chili, a tradition I now have with my own family, and then my dad would take my sister and me out Trick-or-Treating. Then, several years later, my little brother came along and my dad would take the three of us out while my mom stayed home and handed out candy to all the little princesses, super heroes, witches and such.
My younger sister (left) and me
Halloween in the early 1980's.
After my stomachache subsided and the cavities were filled by the dentist, the glorious Christmas decorations and toys would be out in the stores. Never mind the fact that we hadn't even bought, cooked and swallowed our turkey dinner on Thanksgiving. Christmas was coming!! Yahoooooo! Then time began to creep by very, very, verrrrry slowly.
That was then. Back in the days of yore. And when dinosaurs roamed the earth. You see, my kids think we are ancient. All kids think their parents are when they are young. Now the stores are pushing Christmas, sometimes before Halloween is ever even considered. It seems like Halloween is even skipped over. Not a money maker I suppose.
Three years ago, a couple days after having Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella and I were out running errands. Christmas had exploded on the scene. It was October the eleventh. This made my two and a half year old Cinderella very pleased. I was left feeling like I was in some time warp and a panic swept over me as I realized I now had TWO kids! I was tired and worn out from just giving birth, having a newborn and a toddler and a house to run and it was about to be the end of me. A few months later I really struggled with something that only God and the King of the Crazies know about. I had postpartum depression and it took me almost a year to fight my way out to the other side. It was a hard time in my life and it was hard on my family but we came through stronger because of it. I will share more on this in a later post. I am starting to be of the mind set that if I can help someone, even just one person, I can get over the fact that it is embarrassing to admit.
A woman can have Post Partum Depression (or PPD) any time in the year after giving birth.
So, there you have it. It may feel like you are in some time warp or "Back in Time" a la Marty McFly, but...
MERRY HALLOW-GIVING!!
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