My Heart Actually Hurts

It wasn't until this school shooting on Friday that I realized just how unsafe our country has become.  Yes, there have been other shootings and yes they have even been in schools.  But this one in a Kindergarten through fourth grade school has shaken me to my core.  The children killed were Cinderella's age and a year or two older than Sleeping Beauty.

I grew up in a Navy family.  I was always aware that there were bad people in the world, people who would want Americans dead if they were given the chance. But I always felt safe.   When I was about Cinderella's age we lived in Italy.  I went to school on base AN HOUR AWAY from my house.  I was in first and second grade during this time. There were guards with guns that rode on the bus with us.  I am thankful that I was unaware of that until I was older.  Once at school, it wasn't uncommon to have bomb threats and have to hide.  Libya was all sorts of crazy then and I remember vividly being crouched down and praying.  AT SCHOOL.    On a Navy Base.  No one can ever tell you that you cannot pray.  You can do so in your head and only you and God will know.

Deuteronomy 31:6
New King James Version (NKJV)
"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”

One thing I have ALWAYS taken with me and that I will instill in my girls is that GOD IS ALWAYS THERE and you can always talk to Him.  The WORST thing they can do is kill you and if that happens, and you are a child who is innocent,  you get to go to Heaven.  That is where everyone is trying to make it to anyway.  To not be sad about those left behind because God will take care of them too.

I am still anxious and do not like my oldest being at school today.  I have cried and prayed about her safety and the safety of other children in schools across our country and even overseas.  I would not be OK at all if something were to happen to either of my girls but I will not stop living my life because of fear.  Then evil has won and evil doesn't win.  I've read the end of The Book.  :)

My News!

I am selling Thirty-One Gifts!  I will not sell on this blog (keeping my last name private for my kids' safety is more important than money) but you can email me at timkelly@tds.net to get to my info and seller site.  :)  I am so excited and hope this means great things for my family!

A Big Scare for Mommy

Before reading this please be assured I am fine and now home.  :)

Tuesday night, after I went to bed, I began experiencing what I thought was extreme heartburn.  I couldn't lie down.  I could not put my weight on the left side of my body.   I was up for hours and finally fell asleep.

I woke Wednesday morning feeling much the same way.  As the day went on it got worse.    A voice in my head was saying, "Some people have heart attacks and it felts  like indigestion."  Great...The pain had moved into my left shoulder.  It hurt worse when I moved and the pain became unbearable.  I was in tears and the pain started moving down from my left shoulder and then down my left arm.  

The left side.

LEFT.

The "heart attack side."

The symptoms for women can be different and I knew the symptoms.  I had a few of them.  (I will post them at the bottom.)

The thought had crossed  my mind the night before that it could be my heart but I brushed it aside.  I am 34.  But I do have a few problems that would predispose me to heart problems.  We have heart disease in our family.  It wasn't beyond the realm of possibility but I decided it was probably indigestion.

Then it progressed to where I could not ignore it anymore and called my doctor, hoping to go in and see them.  The receptionist had me speak with the nurse and told me that if I came in I would likely be sent to the emergency room anyway.  She said, "Something doesn't sound right."  Next thing I knew I was going to the ER.  

For chest pains.  At the age of 34.


There is never a dull moment here, folks.

I never felt I was truly having a heart attack but I thought maybe my body was going to "gear up for one."  There is pain when there is a blockage in an artery.  I couldn't take a deep breath and I was struggling occasionally to breathe.  I knew I was getting myself worked up.  I couldn't imagine it being anything else but indigestion and I know the symptoms of a heart attack are different for a woman than a man so the thought was still in the back of my mind.

The pain was a squeezing, tearing pain that hurt worse when I moved or took a deep breath.  It was one of the worst pains I have felt in my life (and if you know what I have lived through you know this must have been pretty bad.)  I began to feel tired.  

I had a ton of scenarios playing out in my head.  I am very creative.  I know I can be over dramatic. I just knew it was all over.  My mom took the girls and Tim came to the ER to be with me.  My vitals were good and I was put into a room.   Every time I had to move or lift my left arm I would tear up.  I had an EKG and it was normal.  I went for a chest x-ray.  I was unsure why.  It didn't make sense at first. Then it hit me.  (I know I am overdramatic.) I decided then and there that they would be finding breast cancer.  I prayed and prayed.  I got an IV.  They wouldn't let me eat in case they had to do surgery.  I later found out that the x-ray was normal.  I had a bunch of blood taken and tests run.  They couldn't figure it out.  They had already talked about blood clots in the lungs, an embolism, and air where it shouldn't be in my chest area.  The list went on and on and we discovered that it was not any of the possible "scary"  heart/lung diagnoses.  They gave me a strong dose of something and it did nothing to the pain.  Later, a synthetic morphine would make me high as a kite.  I felt the pain a little bit but the medicine made me not care.  I really felt like I could fly.  Cue R. Kelly's song..."I Believe I Can Fly."  ;)

The best the doctors could figure is I somehow pulled a muscle in there.  The lactic acid has nowhere to go so it hurts very bad.  I don't remember doing anything that would have caused a pulled muscle but all the heart and blood tests were normal.  So, we are waiting and seeing and I am on medication for a pulled muscle.  I am a good bit better today so I am guessing I'm not leaving this planet any time soon.  ;)

I feel I did the right thing.  It is always better to be safe than sorry.  Pain on the left side should not be ignored and with my luck if I didn't go, it WOULD have been worse and it would have been a heart attack.  That's just the way my mind works.   I probably wouldn't have gone in if it weren't for the nurse at my doctor's office but she seemed genuinely concerned about my symptoms.  I knew it could be serious and I am just glad it wasn't.

I feel the need to post about heart attack symptoms in women because they can be different than what is typically learned or associated with a heart attack.  Below are heart attack symptoms in females according to webmd.com:
 (My symptoms are underlined so you can see why I was scared.)

Pressure, fullness or a squeezing pain in the center of the chest, which may spread to the neck, shoulder or jaw;
Chest discomfort with lightheadedness, fainting, sweating, nausea or shortness of breath;

shortness of breath (57.9%)

weakness (54.8%)

unusual fatigue (42.9%)

Women also had these symptoms:

Nausea

Dizziness

Lower chest discomfort

Upper abdominal pressure or discomfort that may feel like indigestion

Back pain

*I apologize for any errors.  I am worn out.

Old School Internet

This just makes me laugh.  I have told my girls that we got a computer when I was in second grade. (I think.) It was a  Commodore 64 and I later blew it up.  Don't ask.  I won't tell.   I also told them that we were really the only people I knew that had a computer.  They were BAFFLED by this idea and could not believe iPods, iPads, and the Internet weren't around when I was a child.  Even more so when I told them the iPods/iPads were fairly new inventions.  It makes me wonder what things will be like when they are grown.  I fully expected to be living on the moon on this day in my life but, alas, I am not...


Back to the comic strip (I love these, by the way) - When I moved across country after high school and away from Tim it was in the days of dial up Internet.  Go here to listen.  Ah,  the memories.  And by memories I mean nightmare. It was truly a nightmare.  Not only did I miss him and want to talk to him as much as I could but I'd be on the phone and hear someone trying to log on to Prodigy.  He spent hundreds of  dollars ( I am guessing) on calling me long distance.  We were apart a couple of years and several of those months we were dating.  What I wouldn't have given for cell phones on the same call plan back then.  ;)


What are some old school Internet/computer things you remember? 

Mommy's Ramblings

I am having one of those days where nothing seems to be going the right way. I can't say the right thing.  I can't do the right thing.  My kids won't listen to me.  I woke with my head hurting a little bit.  If I could crawl in a hole and let the day pass me by I would.  It's just one of those days.  The kids should be bulldozing their rooms but instead they are making the big messes even bigger and then they get angry with me when I try to help them with the clean up.  They don't want to clean but don't want to be stuck here all day either.  And that is exactly what I told them would happen if they did not do what I asked them to do.  


Sometimes I feel as if they want to see how close to the edge of insanity they can push me.  Most days I am hanging on by a thread.  I can admit that.  They can be so sweet but they can also make life miserable.  I know all children are like this and that they will grow up and be gone one day but while I am in the middle of living it, it is hard.  I knew it would be hard but most days it is harder than it should be.  More than once, I have fallen asleep almost mid sentence once Tim gets home I am so worn out from the day.  They take and demand all I have to give.  And then some.


For the most part they get along with one another.  That doesn't always mean good things though.  That means messes.  Messes they are stubborn about cleaning and then do a half way job when asked to clean.  That just means more work in the long run - for me and Tim.


It's the days they fight and squabble nearly non stop that have made me feel like such a nut.  I feel like I am losing my mind.  The yelling, loud voices, crying and yes, sometimes gnashing of the teeth.  And then I start yelling.  :/  It's the only way I can be heard over all the noise.  I feel like a referee without a loud enough voice and without a whistle.  And I can't whistle...


Some changes are going to have to take place here.  I want to make it out of summer break alive.


I am asking for nice suggestions - please....Or words of encouragement. 

No words have ever been so true

Fiascos of the Fabulous

Some days I wish I never got out of bed.  OK, most days.  Anyway.   Everything that can go wrong - does.  Take the other day for example.  It was all I could do to get the girls dressed, fed, hair done and out the door for Cinderella's school drop off.  It was a day Sleeping Beauty didn't have preschool.  I finally get them out, in the car and buckled in.  I climb in and shut my door.  It doesn't shut.  I try to shut it again.  It doesn't shut. And again.  The same.  I am insane and I know it.  Cinderella begins flipping out about being late but the door will not shut.  I make a decision. I'll hold the door closed with my left hand as I drive.  School is a little over two miles away.  What I forget is the turning.  Just driving the door was trying to fly open so when I had to take the turns and curves on the way it hurt my arm and shoulder so bad.  I stopped on the side of the road and again tried to get it to close.  I tried several times and poked and prodded where the door meets the car.  No luck.  Finally, I made it to the school and a teacher I know at the school helped me.  Something was out of alignment with the door and the lock and he fixed it easily.  It was just super bizarre.  I was ready to move on.  I thanked him profusely and went back home with Sleeping Beauty.


A little later we decided to go out on a day of fun (shopping, just the two of us).  While out we made a stop in a  store to grab a few things.  I grabbed a cart and got going.  It wouldn't be pushed.  It was a fight the entire time and I don't know why I didn't get another shopping buggy.  I just didn't.  It fought me the entire time and between my injury from the door that would not shut and this cart - both arms, hands and shoulders hurt!!  I was done.  Then Sleeping Beauty became hard to handle - of course.  It turned into a nightmare with her throwing a fit because I wouldn't let her smell every shampoo in the store.  The husband called during the meltdown and I couldn't even talk to him and had to cut him off.  He heard the meltdown city in the background and knew I had all I could deal with.


Then I went up to pay.  Panic set in as I couldn't find my debit card.  The more I dug in my bag the messier it became and the more harried I became.  I finally found it after dumping some of the contents of my purse out right then and there.  Someone had spilled sugar on the conveyor belt.  I found this out when I went to pick up my toilet paper and leave.  I was covered in sugar!!  UGH!


Keep in mind this is just a two hour span of my day and I edited out all the getting ready, bad attitudes, throwing fits before school parts....Also keep in mind that most of my days have countless fiascos.  :o/  Should have stayed in bed.  ;)

5 Years Ago...

Written February 8, 2012. (yesterday)


Five years ago today I learned I would be a mother for the second time.  I was shocked.  We went through so much to get pregnant with Cinderella that we were happy and grateful with "just the one kid."  We often joke Sleeping Beauty willed herself into existence and if you know her, you know just what I mean by that statement.  Throughout the next nine months I would go through so many thoughts and emotions...


I was shocked.


I was surprised.


I was scared.


I was in denial.


I was depressed.


I was happy.


I was oh so tired.


I was excited.


I was afraid I couldn't handle two kids.  Some days I still think I can't handle two kids.  But somehow I manage.  They are almost seven and four now.


I am so glad God knew better than we did and blessed us with her.  She makes us crazy but she keeps us on our toes  and laughing all day long.  <3

Oh Sweet Hallelujah!

Christmas break ends and school starts back up Monday for the kids.  I am so relieved.  We have had a lot of fun but I have also had a lot of migraines.  I think they are bored by now and I am tired of the fighting, bickering and lack of listening.  As the break has gone on they have become harder of hearing.  The house is clean (ish) one minute and a complete wreck the next thanks to the girls.  I am done and ready to get back into a routine.  Nineteen days is A BIT MUCH for a Christmas break.  :)

Survival Mode

I think I have figured out why time seems to go so fast for parents.  We are in survival mode.  Constantly.  We are living pay check to check, nap time to nap time, and then school week by school week.  When my girls were newborns I tried to survive the days alone with them: through the crying and colic spells, through the constant feedings, through the nap refusals and temper tantrums (theirs, not mine.  OK, sometimes my tantrums.)  I was getting used to being a mommy and a stay at home one at that.  I was always trying to survive the task at hand.  I would think, "If I can just get her to sleep I will be able to get a shower, make it through the day, eat something, not die."  


The days I have to survive their sickness or my own just adds more obstacles to overcome.  Then it really and truly is operating in survival mode.  Survive until daddy gets home and can help me out or, better yet,  take over.


I am starting to think that is why being a grandparent is so great.  Grandparents aren't worried (for the most part) about paying the bills, buying new clothes for children that outgrow them at lightening speed, nights of sleeplessness, does their poop look normal, countless doctor appointments and immunizations, sicknesses and communicable diseases, cooking and cleaning up after the children day in and day out.  They get a lot of the fun without most of the heartache and worry.


Now I understand the old bumper sticker that says something along the lines of "If I knew grandchildren were so fun I would have had them first."  :)  I am in no way wishing the years away but these years are straight up hard.  Back to surviving...

100 Things About Moi

I copied and pasted this from my older blog - it is mostly still relevant and this will let newer readers get to know me and my craziness!  Originally I did this in 2008.  Asterisks by the ones that are completely new.

The 100 Things About Me is something a lot of bloggers do, so I thought I would too. 

1. I am the oldest of three kids. I have a sister, Amy and a brother, Jason.

2. I have never broken a bone.

3. Before I had kids I was up late all the time. Now I am in bed by 10 at the latest - even on the weekends.

4. I have lived in eight states.

5. I moved too many times to count as a kid. My dad was in the Navy.

6. I lived in Italy for almost two years.  My sister and I spoke A LOT of Italian.  Years later I had to "forget" it to learn Spanish.  

7. My favorite color is red. I absolutely love it and have waaaay to many red tops, t-shirts, etc.

8. I don't know how people live without TiVo, DVR, etc. It is a MUST, especially now that I am home most nights with my kids asleep in their beds.  It's a different kind of fun.

*9.  Every night I pray for my girls and their future husbands.  The world is a scary place. 

*10.  I have a photographic memory.  I could never access it in school but it really helps if I forget my grocery list at home.  98% of the time I remember everything. 

11. I am a heavy sleeper. A bomb going off would not wake me.

12. I love Coca- Cola. A good coke over ice is the best! (I don't have these as much anymore but I still love them!)

13. I hate to grocery shop - with or without kids. But if I must, I prefer without the kids.

14. I love playing card games and board games but rarely get to play.

15. I love photography and all things related. I have two very nice cameras and I could not imagine my life without them! I take pictures every day (and if you come here often, you know it to be true!)

16. I LOVE to shop.

17. I love to fix my girls' hair.

18. I love getting packages in the mail.

19. I hate to get bills in the mail - or - GASP nothing!

20. I have to have a ceiling fan on at night to sleep no matter the time of year.

21. I am almost 5 foot 4 inches tall.

22. I hate laundry, but more than that I hate to fold it and put it away.

23. I can do more with my feet and toes than any person should be able to. My girls are learning by watching me!

24. I do not like to ski. I hate to feel out of control.

25. I have had a few surgeries (laparoscopy) and HSG Hysteroscopy because of endometriosis. This was back before I got married.

26. I love surprises. My favorite one is Sleeping Beauty.

27. I am a very forgiving person.

28. I am a Christian.

29. I love to sing. But dance? Not so much.

30. Weird things happen to me. If there is a one in a 1,000 chance - it'll happen to me.  I promise you that.

31. More times than not I get sick or start getting sick Friday night when there is no hope of getting to a doctor until Monday. My kids seem to take after me on this one.

32. I got married just after I turned 25.

33. Tim and I got engaged on June 23, 2002 and were married exactly five months later on November 23, 2002.

34. I don't really like to cook but I do it at breakfast, lunch and at dinner almost every night.

35. I married my high school sweetheart.

36. I still get like little kid at Christmas - even more so now that I have the girls to watch.

37. My parents are still married and have been for almost 35 years.

38. Both my sets of grandparents celebrated at least 50 years of marriage.

39. I met Tim when I was 15. I knew by 17 I'd marry him one day.

40. After high school I moved back East with my family, leaving Tim in Washington. My heart broke.

41. In 1999, he came to visit, we got back together and he moved here in April 2000. The rest is history as they say!

42. I can't whistle. (Still can't).

43. I can't roll my tongue. (Still can't do this.)

44. I have not eaten beef or pork since I was 14. Going through Texas on an across the country move and seeing all the cows - I couldn't bear the thought of it anymore.

45. For a time I didn't eat chicken or turkey either but things got bad and I had to have some protein - at my mom's insisting.

46. I am still not much of a meat lover.

47. I love Twizzlers and have been known to eat a whole bag in one sitting.

48. I love potty humor. Childish and immature? So what - it makes me laugh. You know you laugh too!

49. I love pickles. Until we were married, Tim had NO IDEA of all the different kinds to have. We always have at least five kinds in the fridge.

50. The thought that people hunt for fun and sport makes me feel ill.

51. My fingernails and toenails are always painted and they always match. Even in the Winter. And they are usually some shade of red.  (Nails not so much anymore but always toenails.  Even in the winter.) 

52. Cinderella was five months old the first time I painted her toenails. I can't believe it took me so long.

53. I got pregnant with Cinderella after over a year and a half of heartache and infertility. The month we decided to give up and save some money for IVF, because the Clomid was not working, I got pregnant.

54. Later, Sleeping Beauty just kind of happened. We joke that she "willed herself into existence." Now we can't imagine our lives without her.

55. I have gone pier jumping in WA state. COLD water!

56. I hate pantyhose, nylons, whatever you want to call them. I hate them!

57. I love talking to people.

58. I love making new friends.

59. People tell me things I wouldn't dream of sharing with another person.

60. Cinderella had a twin that did not make it. I lost him or her (I feel it was a he) at about nine weeks.

61. You wouldn't believe how it hurt even though the baby wasn't fully formed when it died.

62. I talk in my sleep. I have been known to sleep walk as a child and don't think I have done it as an adult.

63. I can spot a typo or a misspelled word a mile away.  The use of "your" for the contraction "you are"  (you're) drives me batty and has been known to make my eye twitch! 

64. I love Mexican food even though more times than not I feel sick after I eat it.

65. I don't know how many purses I have! It's a sickness!  I name them and talk about them like they are my friends.

66. My first boyfriend was a boy named Todd in Kindergarten. He wanted to be a garbage man when he grew up and I was proud of him.

67. Math is not my forte. Not at all.

68. Sometimes things I dream about come true.

69. I almost drowned at the age of five. An older third cousin saved my life. I am forever grateful to him.

70. I have been to most of the states but not too many of the Northeastern states.

71. I have always wanted to go to New York City.

72. I dislike most sports. Watching and especially playing.

73. I'm allergic to blueberries - though only when not cooked.

74. I believe in God.

75. I have never been drunk and don't ever plan to be.

76. I have never smoked or done drugs.

77. I love music. LOVE it. I always have something playing in my head. When I was a kid I couldn't figure out where the music was coming from!

78. I have never lived by myself. I went from my family to college to my family to Tim's apartment. We now own our first (and if Tim has anything to say about it, our last) home.

79. I don't have any tattoos and don't plan on getting one.

80. When I was pregnant with Cinderella I had pre-eclampsia. It was scary and I was on bed rest and very, very swollen. Can you say cankles??  After having her, my blood pressure was dangerously high and I had to be kept a little longer and monitored.  I had  "morning, noon and night" sickness with Sleeping Beauty and had placental abruption with her.  Google it.  Scary!!  Thankfully I did not know how scary it could have been for me and Sleeping Beauty until later.  

81. It was all worth it.

82. The first funeral I ever went to was for my paternal grandfather. A terrible way to start.

83. I have a photographic memory but I can't figure out how to use it for good. The only way it comes in handy is if I forget my grocery shopping list.

84. I love "Christmas Vacation" and Cousin Eddie in that movie. I wish I could "Un-see it" and see it for the first time.

85. My mom and sister are two of my best friends.

86. I graduated from high school in 1996, weighing in at 96 pounds. Ah, those were the days.

87. I wear a size 6 1/2 shoe. (Size 7 now after two kids.)

88. I went to Jamaica on my honeymoon.

89. My favorite song is "Don't Dream It's Over" by Crowded House.

90. I love Journey. With Steve Perry.

91. I remember my sister being potty trained. It was the nightmare I remembered it to be when I potty trained Cinderella.  Sleeping Beauty trained herself.  I will be forever grateful to her.

92. My brother and I are almost nine years apart in age. I remember changing him and feeding him. He was like our very own real live doll.

93. I have trouble throwing things away because I’m think I’m going to regret it later. I have stuff in my house (and my parents' house) that I never touch or think about.

94. I am very conservative in my morals and political views.

95. My family means the world to me. I was raised that way and my girls will be too.

96. More than anything, I hate roaches. I just can't even explain my disdain for them.

97. I can do some things with both my left and right hand.

98. I get crushes on famous people and most of the time they are not that good looking. And they are older. Case in point? Nicolas Cage. I don't get it either. Tim makes fun of me.

99. Colin Farrell with a shave and shower too...Though that makes more sense than the previous one...

100. There's still a lot I have yet to share.

Please feel free to leave a comment and share something about yourself!

My Date with Nunzio

I took the girls to a birthday party on Saturday morning.  A little girl from church had a paint your own pottery birthday party.  The girls loved it and had a great time.  I enjoyed being there and watching all the kids.  When it was time to go I couldn't find my car keys.  Greeeeeaaaat.  


Then I remembered: Upon arrival the girls saw the birthday girl and it quickly became a chaotic and excitable environment.  I had two girls who couldn't wait to greet their friends.  I left my car keys in the passenger seat under a bunch of things I deemed unworthy of going in to the party.  Tim was working and having to run out to get something for work in another town and his cell phone was dead.  I was an hour away from him.  My parents were out of town but they didn't have an extra car key.   I had mine phone but no one to call to help me.  I prayed and prayed and prayed some more hoping the keys would "just appear" in my purse.  No such luck this time.   I had to call a locksmith.  A good friend and her daughter who also attended the party waited with us and had us sit in their car and watch videos.  Dancing ensued and so did singing....And a very interesting monologue by the little friend.  I was entertained.  



To anyone and everyone that passed the girls yelled, "Help!  We are locked out of our car!"  I was beyond being embarrassed for it takes more than doing something so dumb to get to me.  I mean please, typical Queen of the Crazies behavior.  Being a mother has made me that way.  Feel too good about yourself and you get pooped on.  Literally.  


Once the locksmith man (who will from here on be called Nunzio) came and met us he said, "Did they tell you anything about the charges?"
Me: "No."
Nunzio:  "It's going to be $85."
Me: Dead air.  Crickets chirping...
Nunzio: "Is that OK?"
Me:  "It'll have to be I guess."


What else could we do?!


It took Nunzio all of three minutes to get me back into my car.  So my Saturday started off good and ended on a craptastic note.  I am still not to the point where I can laugh about this just yet.


I am soooo thankful for my friend and for her daughter and for keeping us all calm.  :)  


The kids had a ball:

Sleeping Beauty, friend, Cinderella

Similar stories, anyone?  Locked out of a house, room, car?  Please don't leave me to twist in the wind!  ;)

Prayer

When someone is dealing with infertility, depression, heartbreak and many other issues people pray.  People are told to pray by other people and by God in the Bible.  We never know what the outcome will be or even if we will get the answer we want.   The answer can be yes, no or not now.  Whatever the answer, it is always in our best interest and sometimes that reason is unknown to us for the rest of our lives.  Sometimes it makes no sense and it seems as if our prayers are going unheard.  I know that they are not.  Sometimes we do find out later why the prayer was answered the way it was.  It makes me think about having my two girls.  I went through a lot before I even tried to start having them and then during my pregnancies and after having had them.  Just when I thought things would get easier I had another obstacle to overcome.   I think it all might have been easier if I could have had a glimpse into what my future would hold:

My two girls and my nephew - he is an answer to a whole other set of prayers

Summer 2011

The moral of this story is to pray and pray big, for you never know what He has in store for you.  I can guarantee in most cases it will be even better than your wildest dreams.  At least, it was for me and my family.  :)

Grateful

I get in a funk at times.  I feel too busy to do anything, let alone the things I WANT to do and the things I NEED to do...Well, I do them, but not always happily.  I thought that I'd do a few posts (not in a row) about some of the things/or people I am grateful for...


Edited to add: This post is apparently brought to you by Pollyanna and "The Glad Game" she always plays in it.  :)


God - I wouldn't be here without Him.  I can ask Him for anything and He always acts in my best interest even when I don't always see that or understand that.  If you don't know Him and are interested in learning more please leave me a comment or email me at timkelly@tds.net.  (Wow.  All that is missing there is, "Touch your monitor to be saved..."  ;)  )


Jesus - He died for my sins and He loves me and everyone reading this.


My mom and dad - I gave them a hard time when they were raising me and most of it wasn't intentional, though a lot  of it might have been.  I'd like to think it all paid off for them but I don't know...I love them and the love and support they give to me, Tim and the girls.  I know without a doubt I can count on them for ANYTHING.  And they can count on me too.


My husband - I waited a long time to marry the one person I wanted to marry.  There was never anyone else.  He gives me a hard time and teases me mercilessly but that goes both ways.  :)  He picks up where I leave off or slack and the girls think he hung the moon and painted the heavens.  I can be at my very worst and feel hopeless and he can make me laugh.  Every time.  We are truly best friends and like spending all the time that we can together. 


My girls - Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty are the most beautiful parts of myself and my husband.  They are sweet, loving and kind and while I know we won't always get along or even like each other we will always love one another and be there for each other.  If I had known what I was waiting for when fighting through infertility I may have gotten through it a little better.  But I got through it anyway so it isn't all that important I suppose. This is my way of saying all that and worse would have made having them worth it.


My siblings - I have a younger sister and a much younger brother.  I am lucky.  They are both such amazing people in their own right.  They both love fiercely and with their whole being.  I know they would both do anything I asked of them for me and my family.  I would do the same for them.  And my sister and I are very close and love to get together with our kids.  To most people it probably seems like we speak in code but we both know what the other is saying, sometimes with just a glance!  


My sense of humor - Some days I'd be crying if I didn't just laugh at myself and the situations I get myself into.  It helps me cope and make light of the hard times.


My husband's job - So many people have been out of work or are out of work currently.  


A nice air conditioned home - I don't know how people lived without it years ago.  I surely wouldn't have made it!


Food on the table at night - though not always edible, it is still keeping us alive when it's not making us sick. ;)  See?  Sense of humor.  :)


More in a later post...

Time is NOT on Our Side

I don't know what is it about time and the way it can pass so quickly sometimes and go so slowly other times.  It takes forever and  I mean FOREVER to grow up and get through school.  Waiting to get a driver's license at 16 takes oh so long.  But finally, FINALLY it happens!  It seems to somehow take longer still to get to Halloween and Christmas each year when one is a child.  Time drags and lags and takes its own sweet time.  The exception is the summer when one is a child and school age.  Time speeds up then.  I promise you I only had two weeks off in the summers when I was in school but listening to my mom tell it, it was a summer that was a hundred years long.  Being a mother now, I can clearly see that she was right.  Sometimes summer just won't die.  


Then something big happens.  An event in which most of life's milestones will be based upon: Before high school graduation and After high school graduation.  Right after high school graduation someone (Who, a House Elf?) presses the fast forward button.  The speeding up of time is subtle at first and it is not easily noticed when it is taking place.  Then time gathers momentum and gets faster still.  Many don't even notice it until time has passed them by and they are standing there still holding their diploma wondering where all their friends went.  But time does go faster.  I promise you it does.  Maybe we switch to "dog years" after a certain age.


By the time most people get married and have kids time begins to go faster still.  Days, weeks and years can go by without one feeling like a time frame of only a few days or months at the very most have gone by.  Or maybe that is the case in a good, happy and healthy marriage when things are going the way we want them too.


Depending on the circumstances time can seemingly speed up and slow down at will. Not our will though, obviously.  When I could not get pregnant with Cinderella time seemed to stand still.  In a lot of ways it did.  I felt like I had no hope and I would never get to that place in time and hold a positive pregnancy test in my shaking, scared and excited hands.  Everything was measured in two or four week increments and for the most part my life seemed to go at a snail's pace.  After a while it finally did happen (and happened again a few years later).   Everything worked out though.


After being married for a few years Cinderella came along.  When Cinderella was a newborn the days seemed to drag by when she was small and fussy.  I was with her a lot all alone and had no other friends close by with babies.  Talk about isolating.   But the years blew right on by.  Before Cinderella turned three we added Baby Sleeping Beauty and time went into warp speed.  Yes, some days still dragged and lagged when the Toddler Princess and the Baby Princess were fussy, crabby or sick but the weeks, months and years on the calendar have flown out the window and gone down in the proverbial history books.  It scares me to think of how time seemingly goes faster the older people get, the more children people have and the older the children get.


How is it that sometimes the days, as I am living them, be it a good day or a challenging day, seem to go in slow motion or at a normal pace but somehow YEARS of my life are gone?!  I have a lot to show for said years - a husband, two children, a home, nieces and nephews galore, tons of writing and journaling, photos, memories, gray hairs, wrinkles, etc but the time has slipped right out from under me.  Is THIS how people end up being old?!  My guess is yes.


Has anyone else noticed this same unexplainable time paradox?  Cinderella started Kindergarten a few weeks ago.  Well, it seems like it was a few weeks ago but really she is in first grade now and she started Kindergarten over a year ago.


It blows my mind.

A Love/Hate Relationship

Summer and I have a love/hate relationship.  I love that it is warm and we can come and go as we please without the constraints of the school year schedule. It is cheaper to dress my kids in the summer: no tights, no layers, no socks and around the house and yard: no shoes.   I do well and keep the kids happy and busy for the most part, especially in the beginning of the summer.  We do story time or activities (free!) at the library, go to the beach, the pool, shopping, out to lunch and playing in the backyard.  We play games, watch movies at home and do arts and crafts.  We have play dates and go see movies for a dollar at the movie theater.  Sometimes even just a run to Target is enough to keep us happy.  But after the middle of July, the heat is overbearing and I am depleted of all my money, energy and will to live.  The kids seem to be fighting or talking non stop.  We have all had a belly full of one another.  I am at the end of my rope and every day leaves me feeling less in touch with what little sanity I had to begin with.  I would continue but the constant screeching, yelling and interrupting is making me get a major headache...Two weeks from tomorrow till back to school...I love my kids, but thank God! 

A Walk Down Memory Lane

Baby Jason

Today is my baby brother's 25th birthday.  Jason and I are several years apart in age.  Enough so that I remember when our parents told my sister and I that we would be having a baby brother or sister.  Amy and I wanted NEITHER one.  We wanted it to be "just the four of us!"

Jason and my mom

Needless to say that by the time Jason was due we had forgotten all about the fact that we didn't want another sibling.  We couldn't wait to have another sibling!  We'd run in to see if my mom was gone and having the baby.  Back then one would have to wait and see what they were having so we bought gender neutral toys and clothing.

Always into something

We had moved back from Italy and we were staying the summer with my maternal grandparents in Orlando.  I  still remember eating dinner on the way to meet him for the first time, wrapped toy in hand.  My Mamaw (mom's mom) was eating sooo slow.  (Turns out she eats even slower now and I also am a slow eater.  Haha)  I thought she'd never get done and we waited and waited.  We were all so excited.  Looking back, I think that is why she took longer than usual to eat her dinner at Morrison's Cafeteria. (Remember that place?)  She kept talking and talking.  He'd be her last grandchild, the previous being my sister about six years before.

Much like when my sister was born, I don't remember actually seeing him for the first time but I remember the love that I felt and that's all that matters. I gave him a small white toy, I think it was a cat, that attached to the crib and sang.  He kept that thing for years and wore it out.  Anyway, upon seeing him, I remember that I loved him immediately and I couldn't wait to hold him and make him my baby.  I was a second mother, my sister the third mother, and I remember racing home from the bus stop to feed him an afternoon bottle after school.

Of course after he got big enough to be into everything (and he was into EVERYTHING) my sister and I got quite annoyed.  Having a little person around was only cool when it met our needs and wants.  But like all siblings we loved one another even when we were squabbling and couldn't be in the same room.  :)  You know, because we were in trouble, not him.

The few times my mom and dad went out and got a babysitter I was always the one to tell her what to do and when to do it.  I am sure I was annoying. I even changed his diapers the whole time a sitter was there and they didn't seem to mind that at all.  :)  Jason prepared me to be a mom to my girls.  I had babies and already knew how to take care of them because of him and I loved taking care of him.  To this day Amy and I still look out for him and tend to "mother" him but we can't help it.  We probably always will.

Preschool photo

Wearing Dad's Navy gear

 As he got older, and my sister and I got older, he became the cute little brother I took out with me.  I'd take him to football games in high school and my friends would fawn all over him.  He ate it up.  And I was glad he was happy and that he felt so big that I took him out with me.

Jason and me making the same face! 1992

 He was in fourth grade when I graduated from high school.  It's crazy to think about.

In front of Old Faithful 1996 (the year I graduated)

Jason, me and Amy 1997

Jason, Paternal Grandpa and Dad

I have so many memories of Jason taking things apart and rebuilding them.  Or making a vacuum out of toys he had around the house.  He was and is very smart and can do anything he sets his mind to.

Baby Sassy!

Me, Amy and Jason 2000

My wedding day

 I moved out about a year after I graduated for a couple years for school but was back home a couple of years before I got married, so we did live together at home longer than I originally thought we would.  At times it was good and bad.  I was living at home because I had migraines, among other problems, and he was practicing the art of the guitar.  Not a good combo.  When I would hang out with Tim or Amy and Jon we'd usually invite him out with us.  Then he got his car and he got too cool for us.  ;)

Passed out at Amy's wedding (too many pictures!)

"Act like you love one another!"  July 2010

Jason ranks right up there on the favorite person list with both my girls and I can't imagine my life, or their lives, without him in it.  They have so much silly fun with him.  He's just a big kid at heart.

Sleeping Beauty following Jay-sing October 2010

Beach day! 2010

Waiting on Little Prince to be born in February 2011

He is one of the kindest people I know and I am not just saying that because he is my brother.  It is the truth.  He is loyal, almost to a fault, and has such a good heart.  He is one of the few genuinely good and nice people left in the world.  If you know and love him, you know what I mean.  










This next picture makes me laugh.  When I handed Little Prince to Jason in the hospital, Amy and I both told him to sit down first, like he was a five year old.  He did it with a smile on his face.  :)

Holding Little Prince for the first time February 2011

He'd do anything for his friends and family and give you the shirt off his back if you needed it.  And he'd never ask to be repaid for said shirt.  That's just who he is.

Jason at the kid table at a Sunday lunch - Spring 2011

I am so glad to have you as my little brother and so glad my girls have you in their lives. I can't imagine life without "Jay-sing."

Jason and me - today

And Jason with his two biggest fans - Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty

Happy birthday, Jason!  We love you and are so, so glad mom and dad had you 25 years ago!