We lost my beloved 93 year old maternal grandmother (AKA Mamaw Doc) last Tuesday. She was my last living grandparent. We have since celebrated her life and buried her earthly body. I have had to answer questions that I struggled to find the answers to for my two girls. I got myself so worked up about telling them she had died that I had to write out what I was going to say and memorize it. It went better than I could have dreamed it would but it still ripped my heart out to tell them. Of course I cried. Saying she was gone, out loud, only forced the harsh reality upon myself even more. I know God gave me the words to say to them because when I spoke them I was filled with peace. They were sad for themselves because they will miss her always and yet selflessly happy and at peace for her. I am still amazed at the things my girls, small children, can teach me. Sleeping Beauty wasn't all that surprised. When I told the girls she had suffered a stroke, been in a coma and then was not really doing well and over a week went by she told me, "Mamaw isn't waking up, is she?" I told her that I didn't know but that my heart told me that she would not. As a side note, I am always, always honest with my girls and speak to them like they are adults. They appreciate it and are very smart because of it. That does not mean I was harsh or I told them, medically speaking, exactly what was happening but I told them what they needed to know in a very gentle way. I also told her (Sleeping Beauty) that if she didn't wake up and come back to us that I would miss her very much but that I knew Mamaw was ready to go to Heaven. That calmed her. So, when I told her that she had passed away she frowned and then smiled and squealed, "She really, really went up to Heaven?!" It took a four year old to make me see that it wasn't such a sad thing. I did tell them that it was OK to cry and Cinderella did a little when we had our talk. She was sad she'd wouldn't see her again here and I truthfully told her I was too. And then she said, "Poor Nana. She lost her Mommy." My heart broke again. The talk lasted a long time and then to make us all feel better we went to Pizza Hut for dinner in honor of our Mamaw. She loved a good pizza. :)
I hope Sleeping Beauty doesn't lose her intuitiveness. I need to stop shutting mine out. When Mamaw got sick last spring and spoke of "Going home to see my Lord" I knew it wasn't the end. I went to see her anyway and because I did that I was more at peace when she actually DID go. When I got the call that she'd had a stroke a couple weeks I ago I knew it was the end for her. I went and saw her in the hospital when she was in ICU and I knew in my heart that she was gone. The Mamaw I knew and loved was no longer in that body. I spoke to her anyway but even if she did not and could not hear me I was OK with that. I had already told her everything I needed to and she to me as well before.
I plan to keep her memory alive for the girls. I never knew my great grands and I know how very lucky I was to have 34 years with her and my girls to have her for seven and four years. No matter how much time we have with our loved ones, it is never enough. I will always miss her but I have so many happy, loving and funny memories of her and I know she loved us all to the moon and back.
I could go on and on but this will do for now. She taught me so much in my 34 years with her and I will document some of that here for my girls some time soon. Among one of the many things she taught me was this: Laugh at yourself. ;) And I do that daily!!
Good bye for now, Mamaw. We will see you again soon. We will always love you.
Great post. I'll pray for you too. Love you lady!
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